Yet Again

The last day of the year! Last day of hope for something miraculous for this year. Hope's kinda dead now actually. Every year, we make promises to ourselves to somehow make the new year fantastic, to do something phenomenal, to allow ourselves to hope... and then just like that, December comes, and we just sit there, bedazzled, as to what happened. Maybe this is life.... when you start you have a lot of ambition but then when you're at the end of it, you realize that it was a hoax. You get illusioned into thinking you can do something, when ultimately it's fate that does things for you. You just have to take them in, whether you want to or not.

End of the year is usually hard for me. My mom's death anniversary in November really takes it out of me. Even before that, her death anniversary according to the lunar calendar, falls on the 16th of Ramadan. She dies all over again during the gap from the lunar to the Gregorian calendar... I die with her in those days too. Then the fall semester, the exam crunch. Plus the responsibilities that come from being the only female in a house full of men. They wear me down greatly.

And then the new year comes, brings with it the sense of a new start. So we dare to wish, to dream. It takes a lot of courage to want to get somewhere. But the tricky interplay of fate and human effort gets difficult to understand sometimes. Some things you end up having, some things you lose. It's quite sad to only have your footprints to show for a long and tiresome journey.

What did I do in 2008? I volunteered at a women's shelter. I managed to get enrolled into an awesome honours thesis course. Got my license. Wanted to get a girl for my brother (arranged marriage), and I'm relieved to say that I think I've found one. Studies have come to a halt, thanks to the strike, though the house is running smoothly. But now the problem is, I think I'm done. Fatigue and depression have intertwined themselves quite messily.

In order to wish for something, to have the desire to go somewhere, you need a fresh mind. I'm at the point where I want to die. Not because of a sense of despair, but because I want to stop. I need to stop. Get a few things out of my system. Just... be with myself. And then start all over again with a new ambition, with new courage. Finish my degree. Get into grad. school, become a grief counselor.

But I can't dare start thinking about the pending work. I feel I haven't accomplished anything. I feel that I've done nothing important or worthwhile for which I should expect a reward from God. But I want a reward from God. I want inner peace and happiness. This is what my previous entry was about, that how do you know that you should be getting something or that you should even wish for something? It hurts more when you pray for something and don't get it than when you simply don't get it.

Anyway, happy new year. I hope your wishes come true. I hope your good dreams turn into reality. I hope you are successful in your endeavours. I hope you get inner peace. I hope you're happy. I wish you get love, respect, trust, and security from the person who means the most to you. I hope you get cured of any ailments you may have; bodily, mental, or otherwise. I hope you find that right person for you and they return your feelings. I hope God stays kind to you and shower you in His endless bounties and mercies. May you be forgiven for your sins, and may you come out successful from the tests that you might be going through right now. I hope life becomes easy and enjoyable for you. I hope God accepts these humble prayers and whatever else that your heart desires. I hope the same for myself. Ameen.

The Gist

We have a lot of things we take for granted. The five senses, for example. What a blessing it is to see, to touch, to taste, to smell, to hear! Do we show gratitude for these? Do we even use them appropriately? Just to start us off in life, God gave us these and a few other gifts. Then as we showed some worthiness, or even the potential, of having more, God kept showering us with His mercies. We have shelter to protect us, clothing to cover us, food to live on, and air around to survive on. But we want more. What if, God gave you all that we're worthy of already? Parents, siblings, friends, education, job... what more? Fine you fulfilled your duties, but maybe what you've done is not enough to warrant you some of the things that your heart desires. Like love for instance. Do you deserve true love? What if you've already been rewarded for all the good things you've done? For all the good deeds you're capable of doing? If you want more in life, prove your worth to God first. But what if you've given it all you've got and have nothing else to offer now? And no doubt God has rewarded you too. Look around you. Think of the many people that don't have what you have. Are we greedy in that, that we still want more? How does one calculate if one's deserving of more blessings? But if you truly were the rightful owner of such niceties, wouldn't God have already given them to you? The fact that He hasn't, can be taken as a sign of your incompetency in achieving more high-priced rewards.

Yet after knowing all this, I can't snatch away the desire that fuels my living.