Mass Communication

We ran over our monthly internet usage limit sometime late last week. Not a big deal... I had TV to entertain me. And since I'm done with school, I didn't need internet. So I started writing in my notebook... that this is what I'd post when the net would come back. I actually had a few entries ready for today. But now... they kinda don't seem as important as this one. Or maybe since they're out of my system, I don't feel the urge to post them here. So...this is the thing: you can't take anything for granted!

Everything lasts for a limited amount of time. Everything. Ppl's regard for you, your regard for ppl, relationships (including blood ones), friendships, precious times, special ppl, nice weather, a song, a ride, a day, sweet feelings, pleasant thoughts, good looking views... everything! So even when you're not feeling happy about something in your life and you come across a playful puppy, smile! If you're sick and you go to get yourself some tea or something and look outside the window and see rain, enjoy it! Ppl in your life accuse you of not being loyal to them after years of sacrifices and selfless deeds, ppl that you killed yourself for, and you happen to spend a beautiful morning on a lake, let the waves carry you off to your fantasy land. Just enjoy whatever comes your way. Before you know it, it'll pass you by.

One more thing: Don't care about ppl. I know it sounds selfish, but it's true. "If you're selfish, you get what you want". Care for others only to the extent that you can stand to look at yourself in the mirror. That's it. No need to shed blood for them. Keep your Lord happy, then keep yourself happy. Those are the only entities that you'll have for the rest of your life. Everything else is a space-filler in the book of life.

Setting Things Straight

The purpose of this blog is to offer me a platform to release my frustration with life and everything it encompasses. My catharsis. Something is bothering me these days, and I haven't quite figured out what yet. I can think of a few things, and I'll just elaborate on those. I hope my answer lies in the untangling of these tangled threads of thoughts.

A few years ago, after my mom's death, everything reminded me of her. If I were pleased I would miss her and cry, if I were upset I'd miss her and cry. I cried a lot. Then slowly that phase started becoming stable. I'd cry and miss her only on major things, according to my standards. Then a time came where I stopped missing her when things went wrong. I wasn't consciously missing her, it was all subconscious. It stopped subconsciously too. I'd look for a solution to my problem instead of crying that she's not there to figure it out for me. I would miss her when her thoughts came to me. That seemed natural. Her firstborn just got married. My oldest brother. I didn't miss her at all. Even now I'm not missing her. It's like, yeah I had a mom, she was nice, it was good to be her daughter, and that's it. I'm happy that I'm not sad at this joyous occasion, but I think I'm feeling guilty, somewhere inside. Should I be missing her? I look back, and I'm seeing a white door, and she's in there. But the door is closed and I know she's sleeping peacefully in there. I also know I can't take her with me. Our time together has ended. Now every time I look back, I see the closed door and that's all I see. An end.

With every end there is a new beginning of another chapter. Now that my brother is married, there are talks of getting me married. I don't think I'm ready for marriage now. I have a few relationships in my life - I'm a daughter, a sister, and a friend. I know how to carry these forward. I know my responsibilities and I know what people expect from me. Even in these relationships, the first two, there are fragile moments. These are my blood relatives, and even with them sometimes anger gets the best of people. They say things that shatter my soul. I know it's not intentional, but it hurts despite of that. My point is, I've lived my life with them, they know me since birth, they've seen me grow up, yet when things don't go according to their criteria, and I try to offer my perspective, I end up losing my sincerity with them. Imagine a husband. I'll leave my world behind for him, build a relationship from scratch, and then one day, in anger or frustration, he too can say that I'm not sincere with him. Then what? Pride is the biggest asset a human has. Take that away and you've injured that person for life. Now I feel that it's not that I'm not ready to be a wife. I think I'm not willing to be a wife, in the sense of the term that our culture has given it.

So what am I willing to do? Well, I'm qualified enough to hold a job now. I've always wanted to be in the field of Psychology. I'm passionate about helping people. I'm amazed at the changes caused by a secure therapeutic alliance. I should start working on my resume. I also want to re-discover myself. I was looking at some of my old diaries and I remembered the times when I had written those entries. I was such a different person then. I'm comfortable with my current self also, but I need to get in touch with the aspects I seem to have lost. I also want to learn more about religion. I have my questions, my doubts, my issues. I've tried asking people, but the first thing they say when they don't seem to have an answer for me is to repent. I'm all for repenting when I've sinned, but why repent at your curiosity? The unexamined life is not worth living (Socrates), and religion is a way of life. When God Himself has made it obligatory upon me to learn my religion, then who are people to stop me from it? I need to find a reliable source. I think this should last me for the next few years. And after my second brother gets married and there are two women in the house, besides me, I want to get my training as a Psychologist. That was the dream after all. I hope I can achieve it.

Test

Nothing will be given to you if you just sit passively, waiting for the world to be placed at your feet. You have to work towards happiness, towards success, towards prosperity. Sounds good so far. But what if you had to give something in return? What if you had to pay for trying to achieve happiness? Pay with something that's the most precious to you. If you're lucky, you might succeed in attaining your goal, but what if you're not lucky? What if, in the process you lose the thing dearest to you? What if a situation presented itself in such a manner that in order for you to achieve something, you have to put your heart at risk? If you get it, phew! If not, you didn't only fail, you now also have a broken heart. Now replace 'heart' with a person. This person, who means the world to you, in your attempt to get something, is also hurt. It's an all-or-none situation, but you have no other way to go either. What do you do? Wait for another way to be miraculously shown to you, or courageously enter this miraculously opened door? Is the risk worth taking?

Flusteration

I'm a firm believer of fate. What is to happen, happens. You can't make something happen unless it's destined to, and even then you'd merely be carrying out what is in your fate. If something is not destined to happen, the whole world can try to make it happen and it won't happen. Lately, however, my belief system has been trembling. Can someone change someone else's fate? Do people have the power to alter the course of preordained events? Where does hope fit in? Is there room for dreams? What is the extent of human power over destiny, be it theirs or someone else's? If you spill someone's water, are you now prolonging their thirst or were they not supposed to drink that water in the first place? Who's the more powerful here, the spiller or the thirsty? Is there a question of power or were both acting accoring to their respective fates? Does fate interfere with such minor details of life or are these random occurances? I do know that humans are responsible for their actions, but I just don't know if we have authority over each other's lives or not. It sure seems that way sometimes though. I need answers.

Lost Souls

When God leads you to the edge of the cliff, trust Him fully and let go -- 1 of 2 things will happen: either He'll catch you when you fall OR He'll teach you how to fly! God is going to shift things around for you and let things work in your favor. He closes doors no man can open and opens doors no man can close.

Have a blessed day and remember to be a blessing.

Six Degrees of Separation

Things aren't really as black and white as I'd like them to be. Many times our set rules need to be manipulated to accommodate some new perceptions and events. Does that mean those "golden rules" were wrong? Are we wrong in accepting them? For the duration of the summer I decided to volunteer at a womens' shelter, and every week I come across examples that force me to widen my thinking horizons. Today while talking to a woman, I learned that she used to be a prostitute for 23 years. So automatically, in my head I'm thinking this is wrong and she should've searched harder for a decent job or applied for welfare and whatnot. But as I'm going through these criticisms in my head, various things crossed my mind. By default, humans have an attachment to their dignity, shame, and pride. No one likes to be sullied in any way, children and adults alike. Some things are simply in our genes and we can not part from them. Other people in the group present at that time were criticizing the opening of a prostitution place (I don't know what the correct term is for such a venue) and this woman was defending it by saying had she not been in the field, there was no way her kids would have gotten to colleges and universities, and today they have scholarships and enough money to pay for their tuition, books, food and rent. So they have grown up to be benefitting members of the society we ALL live in. End justifying the means? Which side of the debate are you on?

Religion

I think it's simply impossible to enjoy anything, be it a sunrise or a wonderful job, if your heart is not at peace. I have seen people try many things to achieve this peace; to bring certain anxieties low; homeostasis, if you will. These include drugs, indulgence in activities (like listening to music), and so on. But these are all short term. For the effect of "homeostasis" to last, continuous supply of such stimuli is needed. Even then, sometimes life's stressors demand more than outside stimuli to reach base threshold. Happiness comes from within. I feel once you purify your heart and soul by making your peace with God, things are OK from there. So for me, religion works. It helps me enjoy life with all that it has to offer, by giving me the peace required to relish its beauty.

Treasure

Working through the pile of sand
Kneeling on the beach
Constructing a sand castle
Suddenly I found
Looking at my hand
It looked like an old antique
Until I zoomed closely
Below the surface of dust and grime
It was a treasure locked in inside
A bottle quite rare for centuries left there
Encapsulated in a bottle was a fading note crumpled
Legible to read
Not very sure why it found me or I found it
The excitement of a hidden treasure trapped in the ground
of a perfect level
Was a note not sure to whom or why?
It was a treasure money could never buy
As I began to unravel it my mind was anxious to know why
The encapsulated bottle would be mine
The letter was that of poetry
With the author's name exposed
With a picture and the date enclosed
You have found hidden treasure
Because you dug deep enough to uncover
The long lost message encapsulated
The bottle is about tarnished
But inside this note there is a message to be salvaged
"Cherish every special moment
Lavish your kindness on the ones who are broken other words heart-wrenched
Don't look down on those who feel hopeless or impoverished
Live your life as though you will vanish
So that when it is time to go you won't leave behind unfinished business
Remember life is a journey and it is not good to live in a hurry
Rather savour every meal with gratitude
Render help but don't intrude
Compliment success and learn from clues
Meditate and leave rest
Win some, share some
Lose some, learn some
Experience will teach you the best lessons
Likewise impact the world
Don't let up because of pressure
Or succumb to failure
Success is an act of trial and error
Learn to leave something more than pictures behind for your children
Not a debt load but a stock hold
Not a home loan but a home owned
Not a dead end but a open end possibilities
This note not sure to whom or why?
Encapsulated in a bottle was dug deep beside the sea of life
With the author's name exposed
With a picture and the date enclosed
You have found hidden treasure
Now it is time for you to measure and decide what to leave behind at the end of your journey of life

~Chidimma Mba

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrmann

A Dark Journey

Life is pretty hard, no question about it. But there’s a difference between life being hard and life being pointless. The latter bears with it the heavy load of little things – mainly failures of various sorts – blown out of proportion and eating up the soul. When life becomes pointless, we lose the ability to deal with our problems effectively, because nothing seems worthwhile; you deal with your problems, you don’t with your problems, what’s the difference? Everything is in vain, and it’s simply senseless to work at anything. But what we often don’t realize is the fact that the result of losing hope is depression and depression has the same effect on us as hypnosis - in its mythical sense. It makes us do things, mostly directing our feelings at others, in the way that we, in our right minds, wouldn’t do. There’s a long cycle of things that happens after that, but the ultimate result is that we end up hurting ourselves. We might not see or realize the wrong in our actions right away, but at some point in life, we do, but then it’s too late to fix anything. Although it has been theoretically proven that time is an axis, which means you can go negative (backward) on it, but it hasn’t been proven experimentally yet; point being you can’t go back in time. As human beings, it’s our nature to have goals, some ultimate destiny we’re trying to reach, and in times of depression, that goal seems far away and sometimes even lost…but it’s always there. Although it’s not very easy to find that goal when everything seems hopeless, I can say with almost surety that if you do try to dig it up, it will surely help you to not fall in the abyss of darkness. If you have no option and it’s inevitable that you fall in the sea of depression…you’d be better off staying near the shore, so the waves can carry you back to the land of lost dreams. Once you find your lost dreams, they’re not lost anymore and you can start working on them and hence find a point in life.