Perfect Life

I have a friend. She's my best friend. I love her dearly. She's one of the best things in my life. I feel she can read my thoughts and interpret them for me as well. I can never thank God enough for her. In the many years that we've been friends, I don't remember us fighting over anything. And it's not that her and I have the same interests in everything we talk about. We have our independent, unique personalities, but when it comes to our opinions, we leave it at that - this is what you believe and this is what I think. We give each other the room to be ourselves. I was imagining how wonderful my life will be if I spent it with her, and vice versa. We could move out of this city, move up North somewhere. Live together. Rent an apartment or something. We're at the point where we can support at least ourselves, financially, and quite comfortably. We'd buy a car. When we'd come home from work, who ever wants to cook will cook. If neither of us wants to cook we can order take-out. If both of us want to cook we'll freeze the leftovers. Same goes for everything else - chore wise. On weekends, we'd go wherever we want. Stay out as long as we'd want to. Since we're each others' best friends, we love to spend time with each other. We happen to have the same circle of friends, for the most part. The ones that are not mutual, we love to meet them too. I'd love to meet her friends, and vice versa. All in all, I imagine an aweosme life if we were to live together and spend it with each other. I'm not implying homosexuality in any way. I'm not interested in her, or any other female, that way. I'm talking about a deeper-than-physical relationship. I'm talking about the love that springs from the heart and takes over the soul. It's not sexual needs whose fulfilment fill the heart with content - it's emotional needs. If it were only physical needs, then anyone who can afford to hire male or female hookers would be satisfied -- in every sense of the term. Anyway, if I could live with her, it'd be a good life. That, I can guarantee. We'd never hurt each other, because we care for each other. I'd never ask her to do something which I know she wouldn't want to do, and vice versa. We can travel together, live together, laugh together. Just her and I, finding our niche in the world.

If this is the kind of love that people write love songs for, and if this is what it feels to be in love, then I sincerely pray I find that in my life partner. That everyone finds in their life partners.

Hurts When Moms Die

At least they got a chance to say Goodbye. My Goodbye was her telling me to make tea, and we'd have it when she'd get back.

She never did.

Natural Affiliation

I LOVE nature. I feel pangs of longing when I see pictures of rain, gardens, beaches, waterfalls, fields -- anything that has to do with nature. One of my BIGGEST desires is to see the world - to travel across the globe and see it. I'm here, aren't I? I'll be here only for the next few decades - might as well enjoy 'em. I'm fascinated with Amsterdam these days. I would love to visit it some time soon.

Look at the picture above. Wouldn't you want to be in it?!

Nostalgia

There's this 'biophilia model', which asserts that "human identity, personal fulfillment, and a coherent existence depend on our relationship to nature". I think I fit this model perfectly well. I have this longing to be near nature, as close to it as possible. When I saw 'twilight', I was filled with an aching pain to be at those mountains, to touch those beautiful tall trees. Here's a list of things that I'm dying to do:

- Fly to places.. travel the world. I LOVE to fly.
- Going on nature walks.
- Camping in the woods.
- Reading something wonderful at a scenic site.

This is it for now. I once heard somewhere when you write down your wishes, nature sees that they get fulfilled. So that's my hope for this entry.

Pain

I'm taking this course called Death and Dying these days. I thought of enrolling into it because I wanted to get some answers. The psychology of death, the psyche of the person at deathbed, the mental state of the relatives and friends of the dying person, their condition once they become bereaved. I wanted to get real life examples of people who have lost. Fortunately my closest friends have both their parents up and living so they aren't much help when I'm down in the dumps of grief. So I took this course so I could understand...myself.

This week the lecture was on Grief and Trauma. I learned so much. You know when the world around you expects something out of you and when you don't deliver, you're somehow viewed abnormal. You yourself start doubting yourself. I remember that almost one year after my mom's death, I asked a friend of mine to come over so we could spend some time together. She asked "Why?". I said I was feeling down. Maybe she can tell her family when asking for permission to come over that I was missing my mom and she was coming over so I can get my mind off of it. She laughed and said, "Get real! It's been a year since your mom passed away. My brother's aren't gonna buy that reason!".

There's this notion that time heals --- Well, it doesn't. It changes things, sure. You learn to handle that heart wrenching pain. But it doesn't heal. The lasting period for grieving lessens, sure, but it always comes back. Pain of death persists.

I've been missing my mom a lot these days. The house is all of a sudden beginning to seem empty...lonely. I all of a sudden have started to feel empty...lonely. It seems wherever I turn, whatever I do, wherever I go, there are reminders that I've lost something so precious. I haven't felt this way in a long time, but I'm certainly not a stranger to these pangs.

I guess at the end, you can drown yourself in work - school, work, chores; you can try to turn your attentions to fun things; you can engage in meticulous thoughts... but the pain won't go away. At one point or another, you'll have to deal with it. Make it so you acknowledge it, understand it, and realize it'll be there. Time's job is to provide you with the platform where you will find ways to live with it.

Yet Again

The last day of the year! Last day of hope for something miraculous for this year. Hope's kinda dead now actually. Every year, we make promises to ourselves to somehow make the new year fantastic, to do something phenomenal, to allow ourselves to hope... and then just like that, December comes, and we just sit there, bedazzled, as to what happened. Maybe this is life.... when you start you have a lot of ambition but then when you're at the end of it, you realize that it was a hoax. You get illusioned into thinking you can do something, when ultimately it's fate that does things for you. You just have to take them in, whether you want to or not.

End of the year is usually hard for me. My mom's death anniversary in November really takes it out of me. Even before that, her death anniversary according to the lunar calendar, falls on the 16th of Ramadan. She dies all over again during the gap from the lunar to the Gregorian calendar... I die with her in those days too. Then the fall semester, the exam crunch. Plus the responsibilities that come from being the only female in a house full of men. They wear me down greatly.

And then the new year comes, brings with it the sense of a new start. So we dare to wish, to dream. It takes a lot of courage to want to get somewhere. But the tricky interplay of fate and human effort gets difficult to understand sometimes. Some things you end up having, some things you lose. It's quite sad to only have your footprints to show for a long and tiresome journey.

What did I do in 2008? I volunteered at a women's shelter. I managed to get enrolled into an awesome honours thesis course. Got my license. Wanted to get a girl for my brother (arranged marriage), and I'm relieved to say that I think I've found one. Studies have come to a halt, thanks to the strike, though the house is running smoothly. But now the problem is, I think I'm done. Fatigue and depression have intertwined themselves quite messily.

In order to wish for something, to have the desire to go somewhere, you need a fresh mind. I'm at the point where I want to die. Not because of a sense of despair, but because I want to stop. I need to stop. Get a few things out of my system. Just... be with myself. And then start all over again with a new ambition, with new courage. Finish my degree. Get into grad. school, become a grief counselor.

But I can't dare start thinking about the pending work. I feel I haven't accomplished anything. I feel that I've done nothing important or worthwhile for which I should expect a reward from God. But I want a reward from God. I want inner peace and happiness. This is what my previous entry was about, that how do you know that you should be getting something or that you should even wish for something? It hurts more when you pray for something and don't get it than when you simply don't get it.

Anyway, happy new year. I hope your wishes come true. I hope your good dreams turn into reality. I hope you are successful in your endeavours. I hope you get inner peace. I hope you're happy. I wish you get love, respect, trust, and security from the person who means the most to you. I hope you get cured of any ailments you may have; bodily, mental, or otherwise. I hope you find that right person for you and they return your feelings. I hope God stays kind to you and shower you in His endless bounties and mercies. May you be forgiven for your sins, and may you come out successful from the tests that you might be going through right now. I hope life becomes easy and enjoyable for you. I hope God accepts these humble prayers and whatever else that your heart desires. I hope the same for myself. Ameen.

The Gist

We have a lot of things we take for granted. The five senses, for example. What a blessing it is to see, to touch, to taste, to smell, to hear! Do we show gratitude for these? Do we even use them appropriately? Just to start us off in life, God gave us these and a few other gifts. Then as we showed some worthiness, or even the potential, of having more, God kept showering us with His mercies. We have shelter to protect us, clothing to cover us, food to live on, and air around to survive on. But we want more. What if, God gave you all that we're worthy of already? Parents, siblings, friends, education, job... what more? Fine you fulfilled your duties, but maybe what you've done is not enough to warrant you some of the things that your heart desires. Like love for instance. Do you deserve true love? What if you've already been rewarded for all the good things you've done? For all the good deeds you're capable of doing? If you want more in life, prove your worth to God first. But what if you've given it all you've got and have nothing else to offer now? And no doubt God has rewarded you too. Look around you. Think of the many people that don't have what you have. Are we greedy in that, that we still want more? How does one calculate if one's deserving of more blessings? But if you truly were the rightful owner of such niceties, wouldn't God have already given them to you? The fact that He hasn't, can be taken as a sign of your incompetency in achieving more high-priced rewards.

Yet after knowing all this, I can't snatch away the desire that fuels my living.

Sleepy Sunday

LOVE these kinda days... where there are no pressures, no chores to be done, nothing major, just... relaxation. I tried to finish all my research for one of my courses last night, and as a result was up till dawn. Went to bed around 6:30 AM, and woke up at 11:30 AM. Got out of bed at 1:30! Boy that sure was fun. Eyes barely opened, weird drunk sensation tickling somehow, plopped on the couch with Florence, while the two of us watched 'To Grandmother's House We Go', half yawning, half asleep, with hazy eyes. Managed to grab some food in the middle too. Off to bed again in a couple of hours. I'm tired.

Everyone is allowed a break every now and then.

Nailing It In

Humans are called social animals for all the right reasons. Although we come this world alone, we don't exist in isolation. If we did, we'd develop a whole array of emotional, psychological, and physical problems. We need people around us to live an overall healthy life. The interactions from those around us help us in many areas of life. Yet sometimes we forget some pretty obvious rules dictated by common sense, and say or do things to others quite inconsiderately, forgetting to keep in mind that one day we' be at the receiving end of such acts too, for what goes around, comes around.

Here's a list of what not to do when in a particular situation:

Situation:
Someone is just witnessing a horrible road accident, that involved their mom.

What Not to Do:
Don't tell them the severity of it or how much the victim suffered, or how careless the other driver was.
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Situation:
Someone's deceased mother in the Critical Care Unit, and her kids and husband are in the worst form of emotional pain.

What Not to Do:
Don't talk about the hardships you're facing in finding a suitable guy for your daughter.
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Situation:
Someone opens up their heart to you, telling you the dodge life just gave them, and they're looking for comfort.

What Not to Do:
Don't overlook their hurt by saying 'it happens to everyone, that life's a bitch and they should move on'. [A hug or pat on the shoulder, careful listening, and a few phone calls per week are what the situation demands].
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Situation:
Someone tells you how hard life has become after a significant loss.

What Not to Do:
Don't argue (or even talk) about the insignificance of the loss. It was their loss - you don't know crap about it. Pitiful sympathy is an absolute no as well! [Do the things recommended in the previous situation and think of practical ways to share their burden].
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Situation:
Someone tells you how much they miss someone they've lost.

What Not to Do:
Don't, in any way, tell them to be patient. If you do and they kick you where it hurts the most, I'd come and kick you there too.
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Situation:
Someone's life takes a total 180 turn and they're not themselves, or their old selves, for the next few months.

What Not to Do:
Don't complain about their attitude. They're having to reconstruct their whole worldview and they need time.
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Just follow some basic rules of courtesy. Think before you speak and then place yourself in your addressee's shoes and think some more. Think while you're speaking and then think after you're done speaking. There's nothing physically hard in the tongue, yet it can manage to have the head broken!