Pain

I'm taking this course called Death and Dying these days. I thought of enrolling into it because I wanted to get some answers. The psychology of death, the psyche of the person at deathbed, the mental state of the relatives and friends of the dying person, their condition once they become bereaved. I wanted to get real life examples of people who have lost. Fortunately my closest friends have both their parents up and living so they aren't much help when I'm down in the dumps of grief. So I took this course so I could understand...myself.

This week the lecture was on Grief and Trauma. I learned so much. You know when the world around you expects something out of you and when you don't deliver, you're somehow viewed abnormal. You yourself start doubting yourself. I remember that almost one year after my mom's death, I asked a friend of mine to come over so we could spend some time together. She asked "Why?". I said I was feeling down. Maybe she can tell her family when asking for permission to come over that I was missing my mom and she was coming over so I can get my mind off of it. She laughed and said, "Get real! It's been a year since your mom passed away. My brother's aren't gonna buy that reason!".

There's this notion that time heals --- Well, it doesn't. It changes things, sure. You learn to handle that heart wrenching pain. But it doesn't heal. The lasting period for grieving lessens, sure, but it always comes back. Pain of death persists.

I've been missing my mom a lot these days. The house is all of a sudden beginning to seem empty...lonely. I all of a sudden have started to feel empty...lonely. It seems wherever I turn, whatever I do, wherever I go, there are reminders that I've lost something so precious. I haven't felt this way in a long time, but I'm certainly not a stranger to these pangs.

I guess at the end, you can drown yourself in work - school, work, chores; you can try to turn your attentions to fun things; you can engage in meticulous thoughts... but the pain won't go away. At one point or another, you'll have to deal with it. Make it so you acknowledge it, understand it, and realize it'll be there. Time's job is to provide you with the platform where you will find ways to live with it.