Golden Moments

Every journey ends at some point. You bring back souvenirs from your travels. In the case of life they're called memories. I sure carry some with me from my time at my university:

1. My very first class on my very first day. This guy turns to me and starts speaking Arabic. So I just looked at him and he was like, "Oh you don't know Arabic? You look Egyptian though".

2. Same day, when I was coming home, after having attended my only class for that day, I saw bhaiyya coming. His class was at 7 and it was 2 then. So I was puzzled. He told me he was coming to bring me my umbrella which I had forgotten at home. The weather forecast ppl had predicted rain for that day. I added him on my msn that day!

3. First time I met Sabeen. Hamdiya and I knew each other from high school, but we weren't friends. She was a year senior. So was Tahira, but Hamdiya and Tahira were best friends, and Hamdiya knew Sabeen. So Hamdiya invited me, Tahira and Sabeen to her house for Iftaar. She was the first one from all of us to get a car. So when she was dropping us back home, I kinda started talking to Sabeen. We sorta made friends. All of us in that car then did become friends. Friendship continues even now :)

4. Tahira despising my brother! So in my second year I was taking Comp. Sci. and Tahira and I were in the same class. We were writing the code for one of our assignments and we were stuck. So I asked my brother, via msn. I had to go ask the TA something, so Tahira came to my computer and clarified something with my brother. When she got it, he told her, "You da man", something he says to me when I get something right. Tahira being Tahira, took it to heart. How I am not a man and how this is insulting or something. He still thought he was talking to me, so he started being more... masculine... about the "praise". That was the start to Tahira da man (as he still calls her and she knows it) becoming famous in our house.

5. End of first year, all of us playing "kho kho" behind MSA stairs. I had made a lot of friends by then. :) Fun times man. That remained the end-of-the-year tradition for almost all the years to come. It coincided with Yasmeen's birthday, so gave us reason to continue on with it. Sabeen would bring the cake though.

6. The Iftaars! So our MSA was awesome in that it would give free Iftaars everyday. Yasmeen was one of the execs. For the people who had evening classes, she would save the drinks, because the drinks were the first things to end. So after we'd pray Maghrib, we didn't have time to get in the line, eat the food, and still make it to class on time. So we'd turn to Yasmeen and she'd have our food ready to go. Made life so much easier!

7. Tahira buying me food. That girl's generosity knows no bounds. Some semesters I used to have back to back classes, sometimes three three-hour long ones. So I'd just rush to the MSA to pray Zuhr or Asr and then rush to the next class. Tahira knew this. She'd buy me me food on those days and would put it in my bag and would just let me know that there's food in there. She took care of me like that. She never got paid for those lunches though. I'd always forget and when I remembered she wouldn't take the money. It's called a blessing when you get friends like that.

8. MSA Eid dinners. Joy and pleasure!

9. BIO! I waited till the last possible semester to take that course. One of my profs was gay. He walked funny, clapped a lot, made that swish sound from his mouth when talking, giggled a lot... oh boy. Liked to talk about his partner too. Dude was bald. I used to go to that class JUST for entertainment. Sure got what I went for. Passed with a D though, but COME ON!, I'm not interested in how electrons get energy and which stage of photosynthesis creates the most glucose or the cycles of cell division. I know I'm a girl and that's enough bio for me.

10. Bumping into familiar ppl everyday. I went to York recently to get together with a group of friends and everyone is new now. No familiar faces. It was a bit strange.

THE BEST PART about York was Sabeen though. Undoubtedly. Shared so much, learned so much, gained so much. And it's nothing short of sheer joy to report that she's asleep in the next room! In her room. We're sisters now. And we will be sisters always inshaAllah. What more?!

:)

This feels so good, you have no idea! Having a computer I mean. I borrowed my sister's actually. Still feels awesome though.

I had quite a few things I wanted to talk about. To get out of me. Blog serves the purpose quite well. Interesting now that I have a laptop in front of me, I'm kinda blank as to what to write here. I think we get used to things being a certain way. Eventually they get ingrained in us. We get used to them to the extent that they become an integral part of life. We take them for granted. And this is where we go wrong: we stop enjoying them. We forget to enjoy them because now they've become permanent.

Take relationships for instance. When lovers become spouses, they kinda lose their charm. Not instantly, but over the course of time. Though if you think about it, spouses should care about each other more now because now this is permanent - for life. They're each other's need now so they should care for each other that much more. Cherish things that you can't live without.

Caring increases longevity. We're in the process of moving to another house. So we're seeing houses these days. There was this one house that isn't really old, but it's not new either. Then there's this other house which is the same age as the first one, but looks much more fresh. The owners took care of it! That's all it needed... caring. Imagine people. We're not as strong as houses made for us, thus we require more caring. It need not be someone else caring for you though. Take care of yourself.

It's nice to take care of yourself. Try it. You'll love it. When you're by yourself, pretend that the person you love the most is with you. Then refer to yourself like that person would talk to you. It might sound a little wacky when you're reading it, but it sure feels nice.

I'm taking the person I love the most with me to Australia - my youngest brother :) My eldest brother offered me a graduation gift. I asked for a vacation and he gave it to me. Sibling relationships are funny. You love 'em, you hate 'em. There are times that they say or do things that touch you. Like today. He brought for me this key chain. It's a cat! It meows three times then says 'I love you' when you press its belly. I actually played with it while watching a movie. Cute cat man. And then there are things they do that just make you grateful to them. Like this vacation. I'm not just touched, I'm grateful. I can't emphasize how much I needed this vacation.

You might think it weird that my brother is going with me. But it's not weird. It's actually nice. I want him to come. He's going through this phase where he wants to be independent and not be with his family members and just be rude. Well people are saying it's a phase. I don't really know what it is. I kinda raised this kid, and it pains me when he shuns me out like this. I understand the need for privacy and all but this is hurting me.

Maybe I'm being too sensitive. I have a right to love him though, don't I? I'm beginning to feel that he doesn't care about me - or anyone else for that matter. And that's what's killing me. There are some things that he's saying, some decisions he has made in his life that I'm not understanding. When I said I raised him, I actually meant it. My dad agrees. So what I'm feeling is, is maybe I didn't do a good job in raising him. Maybe I should've instilled values better in him. Should've taught him better. I'm beginning to feel like I failed my mom somewhere. I was the older sibling. He was the kid. I should've raised him better. Maybe I'm being too hard on him, on myself. I did do the best I could. I don't know.

This thing with him is making me postpone the decision of having kids -- getting married. I've only (in retrospect) put in 6 years in him. I'll be putting around 20 years in my kids. And then one day if they say they don't need me, rather don't want me, it'll hurt that much more, wouldn't it? But when I see it from his perspective, I sorta see where he's coming from. It's HIS life. He should spend it whatever way HE feels is right, without any consideration whatsoever to the surroundings, including ppl. Sounds selfish? Maybe. But think about it: your life, your way. Uplifting, no?

So this is what I'm doing these days. My life, my way. Well to the best of my ability anyway. I'm still caring for my dad and brothers on a day to day basis, but in the long run, I think I'll make my own decisions. Marriage when there's time for it - according to me. Further education if I feel like it. Job... maybe. I still want to be a useful member of the community and also want to put my $30,000+ education to good use, but that is my thinking, and doesn't come under "outer influence".

I think I'm being incoherent now. Not a bad thing though, cuz I think I've let out my major thinking points. Going to see more houses tomorrow. So I'll sign off for now. Wish to be back soon. Yeah I can blog from my iPod, but typing is annoying there. So I just stay away. But you never know!

My Most Beautiful Post Yet!

:D al-Hamdulillah.

Mass Communication

We ran over our monthly internet usage limit sometime late last week. Not a big deal... I had TV to entertain me. And since I'm done with school, I didn't need internet. So I started writing in my notebook... that this is what I'd post when the net would come back. I actually had a few entries ready for today. But now... they kinda don't seem as important as this one. Or maybe since they're out of my system, I don't feel the urge to post them here. So...this is the thing: you can't take anything for granted!

Everything lasts for a limited amount of time. Everything. Ppl's regard for you, your regard for ppl, relationships (including blood ones), friendships, precious times, special ppl, nice weather, a song, a ride, a day, sweet feelings, pleasant thoughts, good looking views... everything! So even when you're not feeling happy about something in your life and you come across a playful puppy, smile! If you're sick and you go to get yourself some tea or something and look outside the window and see rain, enjoy it! Ppl in your life accuse you of not being loyal to them after years of sacrifices and selfless deeds, ppl that you killed yourself for, and you happen to spend a beautiful morning on a lake, let the waves carry you off to your fantasy land. Just enjoy whatever comes your way. Before you know it, it'll pass you by.

One more thing: Don't care about ppl. I know it sounds selfish, but it's true. "If you're selfish, you get what you want". Care for others only to the extent that you can stand to look at yourself in the mirror. That's it. No need to shed blood for them. Keep your Lord happy, then keep yourself happy. Those are the only entities that you'll have for the rest of your life. Everything else is a space-filler in the book of life.

Love

Imagine: Midnight. Full moon on an open meadow. Mid-September. No one nearby. You can hear the ocean waves. Gentle breeze moving. Millions of stars on the clear sky. Just peace. Lying down on the ground. Feeling a connection with nature, with God. A oneness with everything around you. Soft comfortable clothing. Having all your wishes fulfilled. Utter, sheer, total, complete satisfaction. Have gained everything with the security of not having to lose any. Content in your heart. Feeling the magic.

Neither Here nor There

I think I've defeated the purpose of this blog. Killed it rather. When I started this blog in 2006, I thought I could get my problems out in the open, not necessarily to find answers, but maybe I'd get different perspectives on certain issues, or at the very least, I'd just pour out my frustrations. It worked; but I don't think it's working anymore. I tried to be anonymous. I am, for the most part. If one of my friends were to read this blog, they won't be able to decisively conclude that this is me. Except for my closest friends, because I told them I was gonna start a blog. But that wasn't a problem, because I talk about these things with them anyway. So...I would write about anything and everything that seemed to be bothering me at that time. But now, I actually have to think before writing here. I think that what if the people who read this blog, take my posts in a manner other than its intention? I worry about that because people know me. They know who I am, in person, and then they read my stuff and then... It's annoying. I'm not ashamed of my thoughts, in any way. I'm not hiding anything either. It's about privacy. It sounds funny, I realize, that I'm putting my thoughts out there, on the internet, and then I'm talking about privacy. But I'm not talking about privacy in the traditional sense of the term. I guess I don't want people to take my thoughts out of context and then give them their own meaning. By people I mean the folks who know me in person. I kinda care about what they think of me. Things shouldn't be thought about out of context. It's like behaviour. You can't analyze human behaviour out of context. You won't succeed in drawing out the right conclusion, no matter how learned or experienced you are, even as a Psychiatrist. My intention was, people can know an alternate persona and know what it thinks. Then there are people who know me, and I don't want them to know my inner most thoughts. Closest friends were the only exception, but now I don't want them to know these things either. My relationships are still the same with them, I just don't want to worry about thinking before writing here. People can talk to a stranger more easily than they can to people in their lives. Just because the stranger is a stranger; he can think whatever he wants...not an issue. It's the people around us whose opinions of us matter.

Zee Vedding

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In the name of God, the most Beneficent, the most Merciful

Mr. & Mrs. Ammi Abbu request the pleasure of your company at the marriage ceremony of their beloved son

Bhaijaan
with
Bhabi Jaan

D/o Mr. & Mrs Auntie Uncle, on today's date, at momsdaughter.blogspot.com

Please grace this occasion with your presence and bless the couple with your prayers
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Welcome to my brother's wedding! I've been waiting to write this post for the longest time, and now I'm in the mood to do it. The actual wedding was on the 9th of August, 2009. Let me start by replaying the day before the wedding. Lots still had to be done from our side. The sweets had to be ordered, the groom's room had to be decorated, the house needed yet another cleaning do-over, the car had to be decorated, its supplies had to be bought, I needed a memory card for my camera, the bride's jewellery which goes from the groom's side had to be packed, the bari (dowry) had to be packed, the men had to do their full-dress rehearsal, I had to iron my wedding clothes, the gifts that we had for the bride after she came home had to be packed, and other things that I can't remember right now. My middle brother and I were taking care of the arrangements. That day was just crazy. So finally at around 2 AM, we were done with everything. I was so exhaused that I didn't even feel like putting mehndi on. I just wanted to sleep. But this being my eldest bro's wedding and all, I finally got the energy and put the damned mehndi on, only to find out that it was way too friggin runny and didn't even last me for two days! And in all of this, my room was the dumping ground for the entire house - they all just threw their stuff in my room. It was a miracle I was able to sleep on my bed that night.

Then the day of the wedding. The stupid air conditioning broke down. We had the hottest day of the year, and the a/c wasn't working! It was raining cats and dogs in the morning. Bhaiyya and I had to go get the trays for the sweets, then the sweets themselves. I've already talked about the language fail at the sweet shop. Anyway, when we saw the rain, we decided not to decorate the car. What would be the point? So we decided on that and just decorated the car's interior. Then the sweets had to be packed, and I had to reach the beauty parlour at 2:30. When I left my home, the stupid sun had decided to shine! There was no sign left of the rain. Zilch. But by then we had no time to decorate the car. So I got my hair and make-up done, and went back home. My uncle's family arrived at our house a few minutes later. It was very hot and muggy. Finally, the baraat left, from our house, and we reached the banquet hall. The men looked very handsome in their tuxes mashaAllah. My cousins looked like dolls in traditional clothes. Chacchi and I accidentally ended up wearing the same aqua-blue. We were one well-dressed baraat though!

The baraat was received by the bride's family, aunts, uncle and a few cousins. The men got buttonieres. Auntie tied gajray on us ladies' (me and my chacchi's) wrists. The bride's father put a rose haar around the groom's neck. We were welcomed in the hall by the bride's (and mine!) friends and her cousins, who threw rose petals on us. The groom was accompanied to the stage by the bride's father and brothers.

Then there were a lot of pictures taken. And I mean lots! Some of our guests had come before us. So me being the "woman of the house", went and met with all of them. It was a nice gathering. Then came the moment of truth - the Nikah. The bride's witness disappeared! When he was found, the Nikah ceremony started. I don't know if the Maulana was new at this job or was just confused, he wanted my brother to say that he (my brother) "takes sister so and so to be his lawfully wedded wife..". I remember smiling at my brother who was making faces, and then I guess the Maulana realized what he was saying. I was busy taking pictures this whole time (with my camera which can now hold 2700 pictures!). After the Nikah, the men hugged and congratulated the groom. I just wanted to push thhrough the crowd and hug my brother. I had a bigger right than all the men surrounding him to hug him and congratulate him. Before I could devise a plan to accomplish just that though, ladies started congratulating me. So I postponed talking to my brother for the time being and just accepted the many hearty congratulations from the good people who had decided to join us in our happiness. These were the same people who were there with us at our most difficult time, so I trust these people's love and sincerity. When I finally got a chance to talk to my brother, I found out that all my brothers and dad had already congratualted him, and were then hogging the stage. Anyway, I went to him and we just smiled at each other. That's how we exchanged congratulations. Right after the Nikah, we distributed the "Nikah goodies" - Choohaaray, bataashay, candy, naz pan masala (no clue how to say these things in English), individually handpacked in the world's cutest looking boxes (my choice!)

A few minutes later, my very gorgeous sister-in-law who was looking drop-dead gorgeous as a bride mashaAllah, entered the hall with her parents on either side of her, and her brothers behind her. It was one of the best moments in my life to receive her as the sixth member of our family. Who knew I could get so lucky as to have my bestest friend as my bhabi?! al-Hamdulillah. My dad looked so pleased mashaAllah. The groom got up to receive his bride. What a couple mashaAllah! Then there were lots of pictures with the bride and groom, the families, the relatives, the family friends, the friends. The bride's cousins then did "Doodh Pilaayee" (milk drinking lol), where they ask the couple to drink milk from the same glass, groom first, and then they get money from the groom. It's just a friendly combat of words between cousins of both parties and it's meant to be taken light heartedly. After my brother and sister-in-law had the milk, they asked for $10,000! I have never seen our family so united than we were then at protesting at the atrocity! $10,000 can buy milk for the entire city, and these clowns were asking that much for a glass?! No way. Eeeeventuuuuuaaaaally we settled at $300. But who has the money? The groom took out his wallet... it was empty. He got some $20 bills from his coat pocket. It added up to a 100 I think. Then came out the 10's, then the 5's! I thought he'd start counting pennies then. From one pocket, his comb came out! It was just hilarious. Even the bride was laughing. Eventually he got the full $300. By then the dinner was served.

While the guests ate, the couple had their photo shoot. Good food, good food. When the couple came in, most people were done with their food. The bride sat at a table with her friends, the groom had his food with his brothers, and then they both sat at the same table and had their dessert together. By then it was just the two families left. The rain had started and believe it or not, it hailed too that night! In August! After a few more photos, we asked the bride's family for permission to leave. It was a heart touching moment. Parents sending their beloved daughter off to live in a new family, a new environment. My dad hugged her father and assured him that now she has two dads who love her very very much. Our uncle came to our house with us. In our family, the new bride eats something sweet when she first comes home. So we fed her some mithaayee. Our family had gifts for the couple. After a few more pictures, we decided that it had been a long day and they needed to rest now. That was the end to one of the most joyous occasions of my life. I've thanked God profusely and I'll continue to do so for as long as I can.

Thank you for attending. I hope you enjoyed yourself. Please remember us in your prayers, especially in the blessed month of Ramadan.

Setting Things Straight

The purpose of this blog is to offer me a platform to release my frustration with life and everything it encompasses. My catharsis. Something is bothering me these days, and I haven't quite figured out what yet. I can think of a few things, and I'll just elaborate on those. I hope my answer lies in the untangling of these tangled threads of thoughts.

A few years ago, after my mom's death, everything reminded me of her. If I were pleased I would miss her and cry, if I were upset I'd miss her and cry. I cried a lot. Then slowly that phase started becoming stable. I'd cry and miss her only on major things, according to my standards. Then a time came where I stopped missing her when things went wrong. I wasn't consciously missing her, it was all subconscious. It stopped subconsciously too. I'd look for a solution to my problem instead of crying that she's not there to figure it out for me. I would miss her when her thoughts came to me. That seemed natural. Her firstborn just got married. My oldest brother. I didn't miss her at all. Even now I'm not missing her. It's like, yeah I had a mom, she was nice, it was good to be her daughter, and that's it. I'm happy that I'm not sad at this joyous occasion, but I think I'm feeling guilty, somewhere inside. Should I be missing her? I look back, and I'm seeing a white door, and she's in there. But the door is closed and I know she's sleeping peacefully in there. I also know I can't take her with me. Our time together has ended. Now every time I look back, I see the closed door and that's all I see. An end.

With every end there is a new beginning of another chapter. Now that my brother is married, there are talks of getting me married. I don't think I'm ready for marriage now. I have a few relationships in my life - I'm a daughter, a sister, and a friend. I know how to carry these forward. I know my responsibilities and I know what people expect from me. Even in these relationships, the first two, there are fragile moments. These are my blood relatives, and even with them sometimes anger gets the best of people. They say things that shatter my soul. I know it's not intentional, but it hurts despite of that. My point is, I've lived my life with them, they know me since birth, they've seen me grow up, yet when things don't go according to their criteria, and I try to offer my perspective, I end up losing my sincerity with them. Imagine a husband. I'll leave my world behind for him, build a relationship from scratch, and then one day, in anger or frustration, he too can say that I'm not sincere with him. Then what? Pride is the biggest asset a human has. Take that away and you've injured that person for life. Now I feel that it's not that I'm not ready to be a wife. I think I'm not willing to be a wife, in the sense of the term that our culture has given it.

So what am I willing to do? Well, I'm qualified enough to hold a job now. I've always wanted to be in the field of Psychology. I'm passionate about helping people. I'm amazed at the changes caused by a secure therapeutic alliance. I should start working on my resume. I also want to re-discover myself. I was looking at some of my old diaries and I remembered the times when I had written those entries. I was such a different person then. I'm comfortable with my current self also, but I need to get in touch with the aspects I seem to have lost. I also want to learn more about religion. I have my questions, my doubts, my issues. I've tried asking people, but the first thing they say when they don't seem to have an answer for me is to repent. I'm all for repenting when I've sinned, but why repent at your curiosity? The unexamined life is not worth living (Socrates), and religion is a way of life. When God Himself has made it obligatory upon me to learn my religion, then who are people to stop me from it? I need to find a reliable source. I think this should last me for the next few years. And after my second brother gets married and there are two women in the house, besides me, I want to get my training as a Psychologist. That was the dream after all. I hope I can achieve it.

Highlights of the Wedding

It would've made more sense if I did this post after the Walima, but I'm bored now, so I'm doing it now. My last exam was on the 18th of last month, and the wedding was 20 days later, on the 9th of August. So from the 19th til the 9th, we were crazy busy. There were some things that particularly stood out for me. Just some memorable events and things that are making me laugh these days. Thought I'd spread the joy around:

• Baji! - The jeweler was a Pakistani uncle who undoubtedly was my dad's age, and he kept calling me baji. Even if he wasn't my dad's age (although he was), he was still clearly older than I am. My aunt was with me, who was calling me 'beta' when she was talking to me, and he wasn't calling her baji. The genius was calling me baji. It pissed me off then, but it makes me smile now.
• Hidden Racism - We went on a mehndi search, and landed at this Indian shop. So I'm checking out the cones there and my brother was reading the many boxes they had at the counter. On one of them, it said, "Kaalon se hoshiyaar rehiye" (beware of a certain group of ppl). The lady at the counter should've been offended. She was from India and she was dark-skinned! As soon as he read it, I turned to him, and asked him to repeat what he had said. He did. I couldn't believe what I had heard. I made him repeat it again -- same thing. So I went to him. I wanted to see it for myself. How could such a thing get exported?! When I finally got to it, it said "Naqqalon se hoshiyaar rehiye" (beware of imitators).
  
• Language fail - Technically we are Punjabis but we can't speak the language. When we do, the Punjabi speakers start speaking Urdu, just to shut us up. But we understand it for the most part. When we went to get the Mithaayee to take with the baraat, the shopkeeper was some Sikh person. So here we are, telling her in English what we want. We wanted mixed sweets. She packed all Gulaab Jaamun. Then again, we tell her we want mixed sweets, she takes out the Gulaab Jaamun and packs all Barfis. So yet again, in Urdu this time, we asked her to please give us mixed sweets, and she calls her husband from inside. He did the same thing, with Ras Gullas and Barfis! Now we were pissed, confused and amused at the same time. We were running out of time and these ppl had no idea what we wanted and this was after we had told them this a couple days before. Then bhaiyya being the guy he is, started speaking Punjabi. If I wasn't so astonished, I would've laughed the roof off. Finally the now three ppl at the counter understood what we wanted, and we got our mixed Mithaayee.
• Nands are gay - Someone posted a song translation of some tamil song and it sounds like they're saying "nuns are gay". So at like... 3 AM on the night before the wedding, I was sitting down with my brothers, talking about my friends' reaction to me being my best friend's nand, and how this is kinda offending me because they're attributing the negative stereotyoes to me, my brother remembered the song "nuns are gay". He thought I would've heard of it, but I hadn't. So he was talking about it as if I knew the song, and I misheard "nuns" as "nands". So I just looked at him, and I was like, "I'm not gay, man". And then, please keep in mind this was at 3 AM after 20 days of nonstop work and I was exhausted, both mentally and physically, I looked at my brothers and said, "At least I think I'm not". You can imagine the rest.
• Pwned - My youngest brother is awesome! After he had his food and dessert, he took off his tux, took off his shoes, put his headphones on, put his legs on the chair, and started listening to songs, while we were still in the hall!

• Wedding aftershocks - It's all fun and nice to go to the parlour and get your hair done. But when it comes time to undone what's been done, it's not so fun and nice. Let's just say that someone had a huge amount of backcombing done and when she tried to get her hair to come to its natural state, she looked like a troll doll. It was fun to laugh so hard.
  

At the end though, we have a new member of our family and we're all very grateful to Allah s.w.t.

A New Beginning

I once read somewhere that it's happiness that we need to share; sorrow can take care of itself. I've always shared my grief with you, but today is different. Today I'll talk about one of the happiest times in my life -- these current days. I'm happy. I'm very happy. Although I've been working nonstop since Feb., I'm not tired. I was; but not anymore. I don't know what it is about happiness that fills us with energy, but I'm not curious. I'm liking its effect, and that's what matters. I'm happy because, well, first of all, my brother is getting married. Him and his fiancee are both happy. I'm happy because he's happy. He deserves every happiness in the world. He is one of the most amazing people I know. His fiancee also happens to be my best friend, someone I just adore. They both deserved the best and that's what I believe they're getting. Somewhere inside, I believe my faith is being restored too by this divine justice. Good people getting good things. Secondly, I'm done! I have my Bachelors man. I did it, against all odds. I thought my gpa would slip down and I would be kicked out of the program. It's tough to maintain your gpa while raising your family! Third, the weather... oh my God the weather. It rains at night and wind blows during the day. Just perfect.

My mood usually has its ups and downs, but I haven't felt an up like this for a very long time. Though I'm scared that if the up is this great then its counterpart might be that much tougher, but I'm still happy. Maybe this is a fresh start for a wonderful life ahead, with maybe no more downs. I don't know, but boy do I hope so. I'm loving this... change. I wish myself a life with lots of love, happiness and content. I wish to stay strong while praying life up ahead is easier. It's nice to be happy. Very pleasant. I'll worry about Ramadan and November when they come. For now, I'm good to go. =)

The Little One

When I was born after my two older brothers, everyone advised my parents that they should have another daughter. "You should have at least two daughters", they'd say, or "She'd get lonely playing by herself. She should have another sister". But then the youngest one was born... a boy. I was around 5 then. I remember being told by everyone that I was having a sister. I don't know why they just assumed that this one would be a girl. Anyway, so I was all happy and excited and I was thinking of taking revenge on my brothers for not including me in their games. In their defense though, they didn't include me in their games because I was a girl, but because I was the worst player you could possibly find. I was overly fragile, extra sensitive and hated to lose. Anyway, on the 27th of December, mom and dad were in the hospital, and I remember being told that I have a baby brother. "Another one?!" I was very disappointed. But we went to see the little thing anyway. I wanted to see my mom and be angry with her. She had promised me a sister! The whole ride from our home to the hospital, I was so mad. So we went, and her and the newborn were still in the ward. I went to my mom and there was this itsy bitsy little thing lying next to her, wearing this parrot green wool knit sweater. His eyes were open and he was gorgeous. Mom smiled at me but I didn't notice. I was busy looking into those precious hazel eyes, which were wide with amazement, and I rememer thinking, I'll take care of him for as long as I shall live. It was love at first sight then. I totally forgot the fact that he was supposed to be a girl and that now I'll have three brothers who'd tease me and all the things that had run through my mind during the 20 minute ride to the hospital. All I thought after seeing him was that he was born to be loved and I would give him all the love I have.

He was 11 when our mom passed away. I wasn't old either, by any stretch of the term, but I was still older than him. Nothing, not even the death of my mom, hurt me more than seeing him cry because he had lost his mom. I just wanted to place him in my heart forever and guard him from all of life's nasty surprises. I sometimes feel that I've developed a mom-ly place in my heart for him. When he smiles, my heart feels like dancing. When he laughs, I just want to fill the world with colour. When he's sad I want to cry out his pain through my eyes. Everything I own, that I find to be worthy, I have his share in it. If I think anything has the potential of making him happy, I'll make sure he gets a taste of it. When I buy chocolates, when I get something cool, when I cook something that tastes great, I can't digest it without having shared it with him first. When I listen to a good song, or a poem, or a joke, or a clip, I have to share it with him. So he can be happy. When I come home and see him, my fatigue seems to melt. I sometimes want to spend all the money on him... buying him anything and everything he wants. When it comes to him being happy, nothing else matters.

The part I find to be the most fulfilling and rewarding in this whole situation is, he feels the same way. We're best friends. I'm the one he comes to when he wants something solved. I'm the one he comes to when he wants to share a happy/sad news. I'm the one he talks to when he wants something. We're close. We do fun stuff together too. I remember a couple of weeks ago, I was bored out of my mind. It was around 1:30 AM. So I went to his room and he was bored too. You know what we did? We learned (via youtube) how to knot ties! Well, he learned how to knot ties, I just learned how to strangle myself.

He's a very well-mannered kid. He's smart, funny and very handsome. He's like a prince -- he's so graceful. When you talk to him, you just can't help but feel pride. He's a fellow human, and you're a human, and you feel proud of being a human then. I don't know if this makes sense to you. It does to me. I know my parents are the rightful owner of all the compliments the kid gets, but I feel that somewhere along the line, I made a little contribution to his personality.

I love my older brothers too. It's just.. they're brothers first and then... acquaintances. The youngest one is a friend first, then this being that I want to give the world to. And he's my brother. If as a sister I love him this much, I don't know how much love mothers have in their hearts for their children. I can't even imagine.

This is how I'd sum up my relationship with the youngest one, probably the only person I know that I wouldn't have to think twice before sacrificing my own life for:
"It snowed last year too: I made a snowman and my brother knocked it down and I knocked my brother down and then we had tea". ~Dylan Thomas

FINALLY!

This... will be one of those rare (so far) posts which would be said in a positive mood. Reason being, I'm ecstatic right now. I've already applied for graduation, the convocation is in October. I just completed my last exam of my last course last night. ON A SATURDAY NIGHT! Exam was scheduled from 7 - 10 PM. I was done around 9. My best friend (who's also about to be my sister-in-law inshaAllah) came to pick me up. We went to Demetres from there. My brother paid for our food! Then she gave me this nice bouquet of 12 beautiful red roses. I was so happy that I just held them throughout the whole ride.

Then we went for a long drive. Man it was so nice! The weather matched my expectation so well. A little ahead of the main city, where there weren't as many lights and stuff, we could actually see the stars on the sky! I've been here for 9 years, and I've never seen stars! So that was just... wow. It was in many ways the perfect night. I was with my best friend, going on a long drive, relieved from the shackles of university, with a French Vanilla in my hand. What else?! I'm al-Hamdulillah very happy and I'm very happy to be so happy.

The flowers are in my vase on my dressing table right now!

Perfect Life

I have a friend. She's my best friend. I love her dearly. She's one of the best things in my life. I feel she can read my thoughts and interpret them for me as well. I can never thank God enough for her. In the many years that we've been friends, I don't remember us fighting over anything. And it's not that her and I have the same interests in everything we talk about. We have our independent, unique personalities, but when it comes to our opinions, we leave it at that - this is what you believe and this is what I think. We give each other the room to be ourselves. I was imagining how wonderful my life will be if I spent it with her, and vice versa. We could move out of this city, move up North somewhere. Live together. Rent an apartment or something. We're at the point where we can support at least ourselves, financially, and quite comfortably. We'd buy a car. When we'd come home from work, who ever wants to cook will cook. If neither of us wants to cook we can order take-out. If both of us want to cook we'll freeze the leftovers. Same goes for everything else - chore wise. On weekends, we'd go wherever we want. Stay out as long as we'd want to. Since we're each others' best friends, we love to spend time with each other. We happen to have the same circle of friends, for the most part. The ones that are not mutual, we love to meet them too. I'd love to meet her friends, and vice versa. All in all, I imagine an aweosme life if we were to live together and spend it with each other. I'm not implying homosexuality in any way. I'm not interested in her, or any other female, that way. I'm talking about a deeper-than-physical relationship. I'm talking about the love that springs from the heart and takes over the soul. It's not sexual needs whose fulfilment fill the heart with content - it's emotional needs. If it were only physical needs, then anyone who can afford to hire male or female hookers would be satisfied -- in every sense of the term. Anyway, if I could live with her, it'd be a good life. That, I can guarantee. We'd never hurt each other, because we care for each other. I'd never ask her to do something which I know she wouldn't want to do, and vice versa. We can travel together, live together, laugh together. Just her and I, finding our niche in the world.

If this is the kind of love that people write love songs for, and if this is what it feels to be in love, then I sincerely pray I find that in my life partner. That everyone finds in their life partners.

Hurts When Moms Die

At least they got a chance to say Goodbye. My Goodbye was her telling me to make tea, and we'd have it when she'd get back.

She never did.

Natural Affiliation

I LOVE nature. I feel pangs of longing when I see pictures of rain, gardens, beaches, waterfalls, fields -- anything that has to do with nature. One of my BIGGEST desires is to see the world - to travel across the globe and see it. I'm here, aren't I? I'll be here only for the next few decades - might as well enjoy 'em. I'm fascinated with Amsterdam these days. I would love to visit it some time soon.

Look at the picture above. Wouldn't you want to be in it?!

Nostalgia

There's this 'biophilia model', which asserts that "human identity, personal fulfillment, and a coherent existence depend on our relationship to nature". I think I fit this model perfectly well. I have this longing to be near nature, as close to it as possible. When I saw 'twilight', I was filled with an aching pain to be at those mountains, to touch those beautiful tall trees. Here's a list of things that I'm dying to do:

- Fly to places.. travel the world. I LOVE to fly.
- Going on nature walks.
- Camping in the woods.
- Reading something wonderful at a scenic site.

This is it for now. I once heard somewhere when you write down your wishes, nature sees that they get fulfilled. So that's my hope for this entry.

Pain

I'm taking this course called Death and Dying these days. I thought of enrolling into it because I wanted to get some answers. The psychology of death, the psyche of the person at deathbed, the mental state of the relatives and friends of the dying person, their condition once they become bereaved. I wanted to get real life examples of people who have lost. Fortunately my closest friends have both their parents up and living so they aren't much help when I'm down in the dumps of grief. So I took this course so I could understand...myself.

This week the lecture was on Grief and Trauma. I learned so much. You know when the world around you expects something out of you and when you don't deliver, you're somehow viewed abnormal. You yourself start doubting yourself. I remember that almost one year after my mom's death, I asked a friend of mine to come over so we could spend some time together. She asked "Why?". I said I was feeling down. Maybe she can tell her family when asking for permission to come over that I was missing my mom and she was coming over so I can get my mind off of it. She laughed and said, "Get real! It's been a year since your mom passed away. My brother's aren't gonna buy that reason!".

There's this notion that time heals --- Well, it doesn't. It changes things, sure. You learn to handle that heart wrenching pain. But it doesn't heal. The lasting period for grieving lessens, sure, but it always comes back. Pain of death persists.

I've been missing my mom a lot these days. The house is all of a sudden beginning to seem empty...lonely. I all of a sudden have started to feel empty...lonely. It seems wherever I turn, whatever I do, wherever I go, there are reminders that I've lost something so precious. I haven't felt this way in a long time, but I'm certainly not a stranger to these pangs.

I guess at the end, you can drown yourself in work - school, work, chores; you can try to turn your attentions to fun things; you can engage in meticulous thoughts... but the pain won't go away. At one point or another, you'll have to deal with it. Make it so you acknowledge it, understand it, and realize it'll be there. Time's job is to provide you with the platform where you will find ways to live with it.