Mass Communication

We ran over our monthly internet usage limit sometime late last week. Not a big deal... I had TV to entertain me. And since I'm done with school, I didn't need internet. So I started writing in my notebook... that this is what I'd post when the net would come back. I actually had a few entries ready for today. But now... they kinda don't seem as important as this one. Or maybe since they're out of my system, I don't feel the urge to post them here. So...this is the thing: you can't take anything for granted!

Everything lasts for a limited amount of time. Everything. Ppl's regard for you, your regard for ppl, relationships (including blood ones), friendships, precious times, special ppl, nice weather, a song, a ride, a day, sweet feelings, pleasant thoughts, good looking views... everything! So even when you're not feeling happy about something in your life and you come across a playful puppy, smile! If you're sick and you go to get yourself some tea or something and look outside the window and see rain, enjoy it! Ppl in your life accuse you of not being loyal to them after years of sacrifices and selfless deeds, ppl that you killed yourself for, and you happen to spend a beautiful morning on a lake, let the waves carry you off to your fantasy land. Just enjoy whatever comes your way. Before you know it, it'll pass you by.

One more thing: Don't care about ppl. I know it sounds selfish, but it's true. "If you're selfish, you get what you want". Care for others only to the extent that you can stand to look at yourself in the mirror. That's it. No need to shed blood for them. Keep your Lord happy, then keep yourself happy. Those are the only entities that you'll have for the rest of your life. Everything else is a space-filler in the book of life.

Pain

I'm taking this course called Death and Dying these days. I thought of enrolling into it because I wanted to get some answers. The psychology of death, the psyche of the person at deathbed, the mental state of the relatives and friends of the dying person, their condition once they become bereaved. I wanted to get real life examples of people who have lost. Fortunately my closest friends have both their parents up and living so they aren't much help when I'm down in the dumps of grief. So I took this course so I could understand...myself.

This week the lecture was on Grief and Trauma. I learned so much. You know when the world around you expects something out of you and when you don't deliver, you're somehow viewed abnormal. You yourself start doubting yourself. I remember that almost one year after my mom's death, I asked a friend of mine to come over so we could spend some time together. She asked "Why?". I said I was feeling down. Maybe she can tell her family when asking for permission to come over that I was missing my mom and she was coming over so I can get my mind off of it. She laughed and said, "Get real! It's been a year since your mom passed away. My brother's aren't gonna buy that reason!".

There's this notion that time heals --- Well, it doesn't. It changes things, sure. You learn to handle that heart wrenching pain. But it doesn't heal. The lasting period for grieving lessens, sure, but it always comes back. Pain of death persists.

I've been missing my mom a lot these days. The house is all of a sudden beginning to seem empty...lonely. I all of a sudden have started to feel empty...lonely. It seems wherever I turn, whatever I do, wherever I go, there are reminders that I've lost something so precious. I haven't felt this way in a long time, but I'm certainly not a stranger to these pangs.

I guess at the end, you can drown yourself in work - school, work, chores; you can try to turn your attentions to fun things; you can engage in meticulous thoughts... but the pain won't go away. At one point or another, you'll have to deal with it. Make it so you acknowledge it, understand it, and realize it'll be there. Time's job is to provide you with the platform where you will find ways to live with it.

Irreconcilable Loss

I still remember the time I got the 'Best Student of the Year' award in grade 10. My whole family had come to the graduation ceremony. When my name was announced to get the award, my mom seemed so proud. She told the woman sitting next to her, "This is my daughter!". That was the happiest day of my life.

Two years later in grade 12, I won the award for 'Excellence in Mathematics'. This time however, mom wasn't in the audience. She wasn't even in the world. Most of my day was spent crying.

Two weeks ago, I got my license. I can legally drive now! I was ecstatic. Called everyone I could, announced it everywhere I could, hugged everyone I saw. Then all of a sudden I broke down into tears and remembered the one person I couldn't call, the one person I couldn't tell this to, the one person I couldn't hug; yet she was the one person who would've been the happiest for me -- mom.

I got over the surge of that heart wrenching pain pretty quickly though. Most of the day was spent laughing and smiling. And right now I'm realizing, some healing has taken place. That which once seemed insurmountable is now beneath me. That which once seemed incurable is now only a scar. Flowers have started to blossom where fire had once destroyed everything.

Never imagined a healed soul would feel so hurt though.

Once Upon a Time..

My mom was coming home from work one day. A butterfly flew in the van she was traveling in. My mom caught it and found an empty jar in the van to put the butterfly in. When she came home, she gave it to me, and suggested that we build a house for the butterfly to stay in. I was around 4 years old then. So we filled one third of the jar with water, placed 7 blades of grass in it, placed a rose and some other wild flower in, added some stones and rocks, and covered the jar with a piece of muslin cloth. I loved my butterfly.

I spent the whole afternoon carrying the jar from one room to another, showing it to everyone I could. Around evening time, I noticed the butterfly wasn't flying as much as she was in the afternoon. So I told my mom and she suggested it could be because the butterfly was missing its home and maybe we should release it. That made me sad. It was my friend and I wanted it to stay with me, but I didn't want it to be sad either. So I went out to the garden and looked for the perfect place to let go of my friend. I found it near the rose bushes: it was a big fat red rose and I wanted my butterfly to sit on it. So I removed the muslin cloth and the butterfly flew out so fast that I didn't even get to see it. I didn't even get a chance to say goodbye.

I came inside and ran to my mom, sat in her lap and told her in a sorrowful voice what had happened. She kissed me on my cheeks and said that maybe we should go out where I released her and she might still be flying in the same area. So she held my hand and walked me to the patch and I looked around for it; didn't see it anywhere. I looked at my mom and she was smiling and looking down at the collar of my pink blouse. I looked down there too and saw the butterfly sitting there. It didn't leave me without saying goodbye! So I gently touched her wing with my index finger and she flew from one flower to the other. That was our goodbye, although she left me with something: the collar of that blouse still has some butterfly colour from when she sat there.

When Special People Touch Our Lives

When special people touch our lives,
Then suddenly we see how beautiful and wonderful our world can really be.
They show us that our special hopes and dreams can take us far,
by helping us look inward and believe in who we are.
They bless us with their love and joy through everything they give--
When special people touch our lives, they teach us how to live.

For my mom...

Nostalgia

On my way home today, a very beautifully built house caught my eye. It was simply amazing. The front lawn was very tastefully designed with garden stones, and the very elegant flowers next to the fences enhanced the house's beauty even more. The structure was solid yet graceful. It got me thinking, do the inhabitants of such a nice house have the lives that match their property's beauty? Is there a positive correlation between the charm of a house and the life of its occupants?

When I was young, I used to dream of living in a castle that was built on a cloud. But as I started growing older, many things became apparent. For the past 8 years, we have changed a lot of houses, and it always takes me a few months to start calling the new house my home. But today, sitting at the bus looking at that apparently gorgeous house, I realized something: Houses are made of stone and wood -- both mere objects. Homes are made of people and the bonds between them -- the most precious thing in the world. Reminded me of a quote by an unknown author, that it takes hands to build a house, but only hearts can build a home. And then just as suddenly that the bus had stopped in front of that house, it passed by it, and now all that I have are the memories.

Lost Souls

When God leads you to the edge of the cliff, trust Him fully and let go -- 1 of 2 things will happen: either He'll catch you when you fall OR He'll teach you how to fly! God is going to shift things around for you and let things work in your favor. He closes doors no man can open and opens doors no man can close.

Have a blessed day and remember to be a blessing.

Remembrance Day

I lost my mom four years ago today. I miss her more than anything in the world and this death anniversary is the hardest so far. She was my teacher, guide, mentor, best friend… my everything. The love I have for my mother runs like blood through my veins – it’s a part of me. When we have something we take it for granted and the moment we are separated from it do we realize how big a part it was of our life. I thought my mother would stay with me forever. I thought there would always be time to listen to her, to do things she wanted me to do. But standing at her bedside moments after she was gone did I realize how lucky I was to have had such an amazing mother, to have been loved so truly, to have been raised by such a remarkable woman, and how unfortunate it was to have never taken out the time to tell her that I loved her, that I couldn’t live without her, that she meant more to me than the whole world. What I adore most about her is that she knew when to be strict and give me chance to better myself, when to be motherly and allow me to be a child, when to be a friend and let me share and when to be a counselor and walk me through difficult decisions. My life revolved around my mom and this week, out of all the weeks we have been separated, I miss her the most. “A mother is she who can take the place of all others but whose place no one else can take” – Cardinal Mermillod. Rest in peace Ammi. Love you always!

Hope

The tide recedes, but leaves behind bright seashells on the sand.
The sun goes down, but gentle warmth still lingers in the land,
The music stops, and yet it echoes on in sweet refrains...
For every joy that passes, something beautiful remains.

~Unknown

Why?

Why is it that we are encouraged to have two faces; hide the real one and show the fake one? Why can’t we show our true emotions and have the world accept us for who we are? Why is that people want to be with those who are always happy, always upbeat, always laughing? After being through everything that life throws at you, sometimes it takes a toll. Wounds of the heart heal slower than wounds of the body. The pain is reflected on the surface and it should be viewed as an award for courage, endurance and strength.

God's Promise

Inside Bruises

The candle melted off. In the darkness that followed, shadows screamed. The strong wind hid the cries in its wailing. The last leaf fell down and the stars disappeared. The night got darker and the land remained barren. Morning never came.

Special People

Everyone has the right to be treated with respect. But there are some people who actually earn that respect. These are the people who are the least likely to stand out among the common population, yet there's something quite unique about them. And after the exchange of just a few words, you can't help but respect and admire them. These are the people who have such an effect on you that once you've met them, you're never really the same again.

Emptiness

People around us have deep impact on our lives. Sometimes, just having one person in our lives gives us the greatest joy imaginable, and losing that person can snatch away the very feeling of existence. Some people are too special to let go of, and when you do, you find that a part of you left with them.

The Heart Speaks the Truth

You hear people say, “It’s better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all”. But is it really better? Is it better to have lost someone you loved more than anything than to never have had them in your life in the first place? I think not. If you have never been loved, you can imagine what it would be like, how you would feel, and then hope that someday you would have that. But imagine losing someone and know that they’re never going to come back; that your life has been turned upside down and it’s never going to be the same again. Can there be anything worse than that? It might sound good or touching when you read it in a book, while lying on your bed, about to go to sleep, but in real life, it's not so plausible.