Yet Again

The last day of the year! Last day of hope for something miraculous for this year. Hope's kinda dead now actually. Every year, we make promises to ourselves to somehow make the new year fantastic, to do something phenomenal, to allow ourselves to hope... and then just like that, December comes, and we just sit there, bedazzled, as to what happened. Maybe this is life.... when you start you have a lot of ambition but then when you're at the end of it, you realize that it was a hoax. You get illusioned into thinking you can do something, when ultimately it's fate that does things for you. You just have to take them in, whether you want to or not.

End of the year is usually hard for me. My mom's death anniversary in November really takes it out of me. Even before that, her death anniversary according to the lunar calendar, falls on the 16th of Ramadan. She dies all over again during the gap from the lunar to the Gregorian calendar... I die with her in those days too. Then the fall semester, the exam crunch. Plus the responsibilities that come from being the only female in a house full of men. They wear me down greatly.

And then the new year comes, brings with it the sense of a new start. So we dare to wish, to dream. It takes a lot of courage to want to get somewhere. But the tricky interplay of fate and human effort gets difficult to understand sometimes. Some things you end up having, some things you lose. It's quite sad to only have your footprints to show for a long and tiresome journey.

What did I do in 2008? I volunteered at a women's shelter. I managed to get enrolled into an awesome honours thesis course. Got my license. Wanted to get a girl for my brother (arranged marriage), and I'm relieved to say that I think I've found one. Studies have come to a halt, thanks to the strike, though the house is running smoothly. But now the problem is, I think I'm done. Fatigue and depression have intertwined themselves quite messily.

In order to wish for something, to have the desire to go somewhere, you need a fresh mind. I'm at the point where I want to die. Not because of a sense of despair, but because I want to stop. I need to stop. Get a few things out of my system. Just... be with myself. And then start all over again with a new ambition, with new courage. Finish my degree. Get into grad. school, become a grief counselor.

But I can't dare start thinking about the pending work. I feel I haven't accomplished anything. I feel that I've done nothing important or worthwhile for which I should expect a reward from God. But I want a reward from God. I want inner peace and happiness. This is what my previous entry was about, that how do you know that you should be getting something or that you should even wish for something? It hurts more when you pray for something and don't get it than when you simply don't get it.

Anyway, happy new year. I hope your wishes come true. I hope your good dreams turn into reality. I hope you are successful in your endeavours. I hope you get inner peace. I hope you're happy. I wish you get love, respect, trust, and security from the person who means the most to you. I hope you get cured of any ailments you may have; bodily, mental, or otherwise. I hope you find that right person for you and they return your feelings. I hope God stays kind to you and shower you in His endless bounties and mercies. May you be forgiven for your sins, and may you come out successful from the tests that you might be going through right now. I hope life becomes easy and enjoyable for you. I hope God accepts these humble prayers and whatever else that your heart desires. I hope the same for myself. Ameen.

The Gist

We have a lot of things we take for granted. The five senses, for example. What a blessing it is to see, to touch, to taste, to smell, to hear! Do we show gratitude for these? Do we even use them appropriately? Just to start us off in life, God gave us these and a few other gifts. Then as we showed some worthiness, or even the potential, of having more, God kept showering us with His mercies. We have shelter to protect us, clothing to cover us, food to live on, and air around to survive on. But we want more. What if, God gave you all that we're worthy of already? Parents, siblings, friends, education, job... what more? Fine you fulfilled your duties, but maybe what you've done is not enough to warrant you some of the things that your heart desires. Like love for instance. Do you deserve true love? What if you've already been rewarded for all the good things you've done? For all the good deeds you're capable of doing? If you want more in life, prove your worth to God first. But what if you've given it all you've got and have nothing else to offer now? And no doubt God has rewarded you too. Look around you. Think of the many people that don't have what you have. Are we greedy in that, that we still want more? How does one calculate if one's deserving of more blessings? But if you truly were the rightful owner of such niceties, wouldn't God have already given them to you? The fact that He hasn't, can be taken as a sign of your incompetency in achieving more high-priced rewards.

Yet after knowing all this, I can't snatch away the desire that fuels my living.

Sleepy Sunday

LOVE these kinda days... where there are no pressures, no chores to be done, nothing major, just... relaxation. I tried to finish all my research for one of my courses last night, and as a result was up till dawn. Went to bed around 6:30 AM, and woke up at 11:30 AM. Got out of bed at 1:30! Boy that sure was fun. Eyes barely opened, weird drunk sensation tickling somehow, plopped on the couch with Florence, while the two of us watched 'To Grandmother's House We Go', half yawning, half asleep, with hazy eyes. Managed to grab some food in the middle too. Off to bed again in a couple of hours. I'm tired.

Everyone is allowed a break every now and then.

Nailing It In

Humans are called social animals for all the right reasons. Although we come this world alone, we don't exist in isolation. If we did, we'd develop a whole array of emotional, psychological, and physical problems. We need people around us to live an overall healthy life. The interactions from those around us help us in many areas of life. Yet sometimes we forget some pretty obvious rules dictated by common sense, and say or do things to others quite inconsiderately, forgetting to keep in mind that one day we' be at the receiving end of such acts too, for what goes around, comes around.

Here's a list of what not to do when in a particular situation:

Situation:
Someone is just witnessing a horrible road accident, that involved their mom.

What Not to Do:
Don't tell them the severity of it or how much the victim suffered, or how careless the other driver was.
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Situation:
Someone's deceased mother in the Critical Care Unit, and her kids and husband are in the worst form of emotional pain.

What Not to Do:
Don't talk about the hardships you're facing in finding a suitable guy for your daughter.
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Situation:
Someone opens up their heart to you, telling you the dodge life just gave them, and they're looking for comfort.

What Not to Do:
Don't overlook their hurt by saying 'it happens to everyone, that life's a bitch and they should move on'. [A hug or pat on the shoulder, careful listening, and a few phone calls per week are what the situation demands].
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Situation:
Someone tells you how hard life has become after a significant loss.

What Not to Do:
Don't argue (or even talk) about the insignificance of the loss. It was their loss - you don't know crap about it. Pitiful sympathy is an absolute no as well! [Do the things recommended in the previous situation and think of practical ways to share their burden].
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Situation:
Someone tells you how much they miss someone they've lost.

What Not to Do:
Don't, in any way, tell them to be patient. If you do and they kick you where it hurts the most, I'd come and kick you there too.
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Situation:
Someone's life takes a total 180 turn and they're not themselves, or their old selves, for the next few months.

What Not to Do:
Don't complain about their attitude. They're having to reconstruct their whole worldview and they need time.
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Just follow some basic rules of courtesy. Think before you speak and then place yourself in your addressee's shoes and think some more. Think while you're speaking and then think after you're done speaking. There's nothing physically hard in the tongue, yet it can manage to have the head broken!

Irreconcilable Loss

I still remember the time I got the 'Best Student of the Year' award in grade 10. My whole family had come to the graduation ceremony. When my name was announced to get the award, my mom seemed so proud. She told the woman sitting next to her, "This is my daughter!". That was the happiest day of my life.

Two years later in grade 12, I won the award for 'Excellence in Mathematics'. This time however, mom wasn't in the audience. She wasn't even in the world. Most of my day was spent crying.

Two weeks ago, I got my license. I can legally drive now! I was ecstatic. Called everyone I could, announced it everywhere I could, hugged everyone I saw. Then all of a sudden I broke down into tears and remembered the one person I couldn't call, the one person I couldn't tell this to, the one person I couldn't hug; yet she was the one person who would've been the happiest for me -- mom.

I got over the surge of that heart wrenching pain pretty quickly though. Most of the day was spent laughing and smiling. And right now I'm realizing, some healing has taken place. That which once seemed insurmountable is now beneath me. That which once seemed incurable is now only a scar. Flowers have started to blossom where fire had once destroyed everything.

Never imagined a healed soul would feel so hurt though.

Test

Nothing will be given to you if you just sit passively, waiting for the world to be placed at your feet. You have to work towards happiness, towards success, towards prosperity. Sounds good so far. But what if you had to give something in return? What if you had to pay for trying to achieve happiness? Pay with something that's the most precious to you. If you're lucky, you might succeed in attaining your goal, but what if you're not lucky? What if, in the process you lose the thing dearest to you? What if a situation presented itself in such a manner that in order for you to achieve something, you have to put your heart at risk? If you get it, phew! If not, you didn't only fail, you now also have a broken heart. Now replace 'heart' with a person. This person, who means the world to you, in your attempt to get something, is also hurt. It's an all-or-none situation, but you have no other way to go either. What do you do? Wait for another way to be miraculously shown to you, or courageously enter this miraculously opened door? Is the risk worth taking?

There Was an Old Owl

There was an old owl who lived in an oak;
The more he heard, the less he spoke.
The less he spoke, the more he heard.
Why aren't we like that wise old bird!

~Anonymous

The Heart Remembers

I miss thee, my mother. Thy image is still the deepest impressed in my heart. ~ Eliza Cook

Once Upon a Time..

My mom was coming home from work one day. A butterfly flew in the van she was traveling in. My mom caught it and found an empty jar in the van to put the butterfly in. When she came home, she gave it to me, and suggested that we build a house for the butterfly to stay in. I was around 4 years old then. So we filled one third of the jar with water, placed 7 blades of grass in it, placed a rose and some other wild flower in, added some stones and rocks, and covered the jar with a piece of muslin cloth. I loved my butterfly.

I spent the whole afternoon carrying the jar from one room to another, showing it to everyone I could. Around evening time, I noticed the butterfly wasn't flying as much as she was in the afternoon. So I told my mom and she suggested it could be because the butterfly was missing its home and maybe we should release it. That made me sad. It was my friend and I wanted it to stay with me, but I didn't want it to be sad either. So I went out to the garden and looked for the perfect place to let go of my friend. I found it near the rose bushes: it was a big fat red rose and I wanted my butterfly to sit on it. So I removed the muslin cloth and the butterfly flew out so fast that I didn't even get to see it. I didn't even get a chance to say goodbye.

I came inside and ran to my mom, sat in her lap and told her in a sorrowful voice what had happened. She kissed me on my cheeks and said that maybe we should go out where I released her and she might still be flying in the same area. So she held my hand and walked me to the patch and I looked around for it; didn't see it anywhere. I looked at my mom and she was smiling and looking down at the collar of my pink blouse. I looked down there too and saw the butterfly sitting there. It didn't leave me without saying goodbye! So I gently touched her wing with my index finger and she flew from one flower to the other. That was our goodbye, although she left me with something: the collar of that blouse still has some butterfly colour from when she sat there.

Advantages of Studying

Our internet connection was down a few days ago. I had to study for my midterm, for a course called 'Death and Dying'. As the name suggests, it's a happy and cheerful course - quite uplifting! I take 10-minute breaks after every hour or so of studying, and during that time, to keep myself from getting depressed over some of the most profound case studies, I listen to upbeat songs and watch funny clips on youtube. Since I couldn't access the internet that day, I decided to look in to my music folder to see if I have any songs there, and I came across several that were sent to me by my friends. I don't listen to the full songs if they don't get my attention in the first 30 seconds. So these songs were there and I listened to them one by one, liking only one out of the four. But as I got in to heart-breaking topics like 'Death in the World of Children', my need for dissonance increased, and I decided to give the songs I didn't like another chance. I did give them another chance, and didn't like one of the songs for the first 4 times that I heard it. But from the fifth time onwards, I started liking it. Later that night, a time came where I was in love with it -- still am.

Any chance to get away from reading about kids' experiences of bereavement, I started thinking about the extension of my little experience to things such as arranged marriags and compromise. I belong to a culture where arranged marriages are the norm rather than exception. The thought of being in a loveless, dead-end marriage sometimes scares me to my very being. Although there's a difference between 'arranged marriages' and 'forced marriages', and I know I'll have a choice in choosing my life partner, this freedom doesn't guarantee me the love that might be present if someone was to approach me outside the context of family and get to know me before asking me to marry him. Not that I have any restrictions upon me in choosing my future husband, there are greater chances of me getting married the traditional way, and this thought of getting someone stuck with me, who doesn't love me, petrifies me. But now I'm thinking, maybe you get used to things, to people, to atmospheres. As long as they're not clearly contradicting your personal views, morals, values, style, etc., you can grow to like them. Time spent together has to count for something, right?

Can't pray hard enough for this optimism to turn into reality.

Profound Impact

Sometimes the smallest of sentences can cause the biggest change. Humans are highly powerful solely on the basis of their language command -- we should use our words carefully. I was reading an awesome book and I came across a wonderful anecdote related by the author, who is also a psychologist (Raymond J. Corsini). He was once with an inmate, who had made an appointment to come and see him. The inmate told Mr. Corsini that he was leaving on parole on Thursday, and couldn't leave without thanking him first. So Mr. Corsini asked the reason. And the prisoner told him that when he left Mr. Corsini's office about two years ago, he was walking on air. He changed the group of people he was hanging out with, learned some skill that he could use to get a job, got his high school diploma from the prison high school, and now had a job to go to upon leaving prison. He made his relationships with God and his family better, and was just extremely happy. But Mr. Corsini couldn't remember ever seeing this guy, so he asked the inmate, "Are you sure it was me?" And the guy was a 100% sure that it was Mr. Corsini who he had seen and it was Mr. Corsini who had said something to this man which changed his life. So Mr. Corsini asked him what it was that changed his life, and the inmate replied, "You told me I had a high IQ".

Words are meaningless in and of themselves, mere grouping of letters. It's the meaning, we give to them, that counts.

Subconscious Metacognition

I was talking to my best friend yesterday and I told her that I think I'm a naturalist (personality type). When I told her that, her response to it was not what I had expected. It was sort of a "duh!" moment. And after she explained why it might be that I'm a naturalist, I felt like saying "duh!" too. I've always loved nature. Even when I was a kid I used to fantasize of having a home in a scenic place, amid beautiful trees located on a mountain, that would provide a view of rolling hills. Even now when I think of places I'd love to go, they're ALL out in the nature. My idea of a perfect night as I've already described, takes place near a river. When I write things that I love, things like moon, wind, trees, flowers are always the first. I guess it's only natural that I'm a naturalist then. Yet I was surprised when I figured it out. Maybe there are things about us that are apparent to those around us, but we're unaware of them. Taking it one step further, this might be how God works. He knows our past and future, knows what kind of beings we are, our nature, our personality, and thus He makes our lives turn out to be so that they're compatible with us. And I say this because last night I was thinking of something else, and it occurred to me that if a certain negative event had not had taken place in my life 4 years ago, I would've NEVER turned out to be the girl that I am now. I like the girl I am now. So the end does justify the means.

Altruism Gone Wrong

One of the best things about attending a post secondary institution is the opportunity it provides for growth. In certain cases it's good to be knowledgeable about certain facts of life, and in others, ignorance is indeed a bliss. Just last week in one of my seminars I learned about eugenics in Canada. Not that I am a proponent of human kindness or a believer of innate goodness in mankind, the video shown in the class still broke something inside me. All the while we were learning about the horrendous ordeals brought upon certain "inferior" characters by the "superiors", I could not stop myself from forming an anti-parallel connection between this occurence and one of my professors. I had the chance to take a course with him last year, and I learned something quite wonderful about him:
He got married when he was in grad. school, and the woman he got married to was diagnosed with having Epilepsy, and she used to get frequent seizures. Yet he married this "incomplete" person. He took care of her to the point where he knew when her last seizure was, the day and the time, how far apart her attacks were, and so on. He would almost always catch her when a seizure would be coming on before she would hit the ground, and he would put his shirt in her mouth to avoid her injuring her tongue. When a person is in seizure, they are completely unaware of their surroundings and they have sudden and uncontrolled movements, including the chewing of their tongues. This severely damages the tongue and causes a lot of pain following the attack, and the pain lasts for 2, 3 days. He knew that if he didn't pull out his hand out of her mouth in time, she would definitely chew on his fingers, but he always took the risk of protecting her from pain, even at the cost of his own fingers. What touched me the most about this incident was one deficient (since no one is perfect) human's willingness to accept another deficient (hers was more obvious) human, and love and care for her genuinely.

When I was watching the video clip about Leilani Muir however, I saw some contrasts between the two incidents. How can a human, imperfect and faulty himself, make life decisions for another human on the grounds of the latter's supposed inability to do so? What can possibly enable a human to think that he should stop a life from coming to this world because the world is for the strong? What role does reason play in deciding on such matters? Life on earth can be traced to millions of years ago, and since then there must have been mutations in the human gene that cause a small minority of the population to have some developmental disabilities. It didn't screw up the world for so many years, what gave the advocates of the Alberta government's Sterilization Act the idea that it will now? The idea of removing "bad genes" from the gene pool comes from Darwin's proposed theory of evolution, but the very theory clearly mentions nature's way of ensuring survival of the fittest -- the "unfit" get eliminated out of the race anyway. So what was the rationale behind the catastrophe that took place in Alberta in the 30's? Doesn't the fact that such moronic law was practiced itself show the unsuitability of the board's genes to be passed on? Isn't it more dangerous to destroy several people's lives (as was done thanks to the act) than to have one person's intellectual life in jeopardy (as was the thought for those labeled as retarded)?
This atrocity is a mocking example of the equality supported by the justice we so proudly call blind.

When Special People Touch Our Lives

When special people touch our lives,
Then suddenly we see how beautiful and wonderful our world can really be.
They show us that our special hopes and dreams can take us far,
by helping us look inward and believe in who we are.
They bless us with their love and joy through everything they give--
When special people touch our lives, they teach us how to live.

For my mom...

Flusteration

I'm a firm believer of fate. What is to happen, happens. You can't make something happen unless it's destined to, and even then you'd merely be carrying out what is in your fate. If something is not destined to happen, the whole world can try to make it happen and it won't happen. Lately, however, my belief system has been trembling. Can someone change someone else's fate? Do people have the power to alter the course of preordained events? Where does hope fit in? Is there room for dreams? What is the extent of human power over destiny, be it theirs or someone else's? If you spill someone's water, are you now prolonging their thirst or were they not supposed to drink that water in the first place? Who's the more powerful here, the spiller or the thirsty? Is there a question of power or were both acting accoring to their respective fates? Does fate interfere with such minor details of life or are these random occurances? I do know that humans are responsible for their actions, but I just don't know if we have authority over each other's lives or not. It sure seems that way sometimes though. I need answers.

Nostalgia

On my way home today, a very beautifully built house caught my eye. It was simply amazing. The front lawn was very tastefully designed with garden stones, and the very elegant flowers next to the fences enhanced the house's beauty even more. The structure was solid yet graceful. It got me thinking, do the inhabitants of such a nice house have the lives that match their property's beauty? Is there a positive correlation between the charm of a house and the life of its occupants?

When I was young, I used to dream of living in a castle that was built on a cloud. But as I started growing older, many things became apparent. For the past 8 years, we have changed a lot of houses, and it always takes me a few months to start calling the new house my home. But today, sitting at the bus looking at that apparently gorgeous house, I realized something: Houses are made of stone and wood -- both mere objects. Homes are made of people and the bonds between them -- the most precious thing in the world. Reminded me of a quote by an unknown author, that it takes hands to build a house, but only hearts can build a home. And then just as suddenly that the bus had stopped in front of that house, it passed by it, and now all that I have are the memories.

Lost Souls

When God leads you to the edge of the cliff, trust Him fully and let go -- 1 of 2 things will happen: either He'll catch you when you fall OR He'll teach you how to fly! God is going to shift things around for you and let things work in your favor. He closes doors no man can open and opens doors no man can close.

Have a blessed day and remember to be a blessing.

Six Degrees of Separation

Things aren't really as black and white as I'd like them to be. Many times our set rules need to be manipulated to accommodate some new perceptions and events. Does that mean those "golden rules" were wrong? Are we wrong in accepting them? For the duration of the summer I decided to volunteer at a womens' shelter, and every week I come across examples that force me to widen my thinking horizons. Today while talking to a woman, I learned that she used to be a prostitute for 23 years. So automatically, in my head I'm thinking this is wrong and she should've searched harder for a decent job or applied for welfare and whatnot. But as I'm going through these criticisms in my head, various things crossed my mind. By default, humans have an attachment to their dignity, shame, and pride. No one likes to be sullied in any way, children and adults alike. Some things are simply in our genes and we can not part from them. Other people in the group present at that time were criticizing the opening of a prostitution place (I don't know what the correct term is for such a venue) and this woman was defending it by saying had she not been in the field, there was no way her kids would have gotten to colleges and universities, and today they have scholarships and enough money to pay for their tuition, books, food and rent. So they have grown up to be benefitting members of the society we ALL live in. End justifying the means? Which side of the debate are you on?

Growing Up

Sometimes after living for so long, a few moments can change the course of our lives, our existence, and we realize how naive we have had been in the past. Learning is an ongoing process, no doubt! Maybe these are the times that bring in us the greatest changes and and we in turn cause change in our surroundings that work well with our newly developed/acquired senses and perceptions. So change is good in that respect. I guess this is what it means to be flexible. We need not narrow our path in life in order to make sure we stay unstained of impurities along the journey. There are many factors involved in everything, not just the ones that are obvious to us. We can open our minds and accept others for who they are without giving up our own morals and values. Perhaps this is what maturing is all about. There is good and bad everywhere and the two coexist. If we shun ourselves from the bad, we would also stay devoid of the good. If we start looking for the good in our surroundings, living and non-living alike, I'm sure we can benefit from the good and that benefiting may very well be the factor that would change us and make us react towards our environment in such a way as to create and bring about more good around us. It can also happen vice versa, but I am feeling optimistic right now.

Religion

I think it's simply impossible to enjoy anything, be it a sunrise or a wonderful job, if your heart is not at peace. I have seen people try many things to achieve this peace; to bring certain anxieties low; homeostasis, if you will. These include drugs, indulgence in activities (like listening to music), and so on. But these are all short term. For the effect of "homeostasis" to last, continuous supply of such stimuli is needed. Even then, sometimes life's stressors demand more than outside stimuli to reach base threshold. Happiness comes from within. I feel once you purify your heart and soul by making your peace with God, things are OK from there. So for me, religion works. It helps me enjoy life with all that it has to offer, by giving me the peace required to relish its beauty.

Treasure

Working through the pile of sand
Kneeling on the beach
Constructing a sand castle
Suddenly I found
Looking at my hand
It looked like an old antique
Until I zoomed closely
Below the surface of dust and grime
It was a treasure locked in inside
A bottle quite rare for centuries left there
Encapsulated in a bottle was a fading note crumpled
Legible to read
Not very sure why it found me or I found it
The excitement of a hidden treasure trapped in the ground
of a perfect level
Was a note not sure to whom or why?
It was a treasure money could never buy
As I began to unravel it my mind was anxious to know why
The encapsulated bottle would be mine
The letter was that of poetry
With the author's name exposed
With a picture and the date enclosed
You have found hidden treasure
Because you dug deep enough to uncover
The long lost message encapsulated
The bottle is about tarnished
But inside this note there is a message to be salvaged
"Cherish every special moment
Lavish your kindness on the ones who are broken other words heart-wrenched
Don't look down on those who feel hopeless or impoverished
Live your life as though you will vanish
So that when it is time to go you won't leave behind unfinished business
Remember life is a journey and it is not good to live in a hurry
Rather savour every meal with gratitude
Render help but don't intrude
Compliment success and learn from clues
Meditate and leave rest
Win some, share some
Lose some, learn some
Experience will teach you the best lessons
Likewise impact the world
Don't let up because of pressure
Or succumb to failure
Success is an act of trial and error
Learn to leave something more than pictures behind for your children
Not a debt load but a stock hold
Not a home loan but a home owned
Not a dead end but a open end possibilities
This note not sure to whom or why?
Encapsulated in a bottle was dug deep beside the sea of life
With the author's name exposed
With a picture and the date enclosed
You have found hidden treasure
Now it is time for you to measure and decide what to leave behind at the end of your journey of life

~Chidimma Mba