:)

This feels so good, you have no idea! Having a computer I mean. I borrowed my sister's actually. Still feels awesome though.

I had quite a few things I wanted to talk about. To get out of me. Blog serves the purpose quite well. Interesting now that I have a laptop in front of me, I'm kinda blank as to what to write here. I think we get used to things being a certain way. Eventually they get ingrained in us. We get used to them to the extent that they become an integral part of life. We take them for granted. And this is where we go wrong: we stop enjoying them. We forget to enjoy them because now they've become permanent.

Take relationships for instance. When lovers become spouses, they kinda lose their charm. Not instantly, but over the course of time. Though if you think about it, spouses should care about each other more now because now this is permanent - for life. They're each other's need now so they should care for each other that much more. Cherish things that you can't live without.

Caring increases longevity. We're in the process of moving to another house. So we're seeing houses these days. There was this one house that isn't really old, but it's not new either. Then there's this other house which is the same age as the first one, but looks much more fresh. The owners took care of it! That's all it needed... caring. Imagine people. We're not as strong as houses made for us, thus we require more caring. It need not be someone else caring for you though. Take care of yourself.

It's nice to take care of yourself. Try it. You'll love it. When you're by yourself, pretend that the person you love the most is with you. Then refer to yourself like that person would talk to you. It might sound a little wacky when you're reading it, but it sure feels nice.

I'm taking the person I love the most with me to Australia - my youngest brother :) My eldest brother offered me a graduation gift. I asked for a vacation and he gave it to me. Sibling relationships are funny. You love 'em, you hate 'em. There are times that they say or do things that touch you. Like today. He brought for me this key chain. It's a cat! It meows three times then says 'I love you' when you press its belly. I actually played with it while watching a movie. Cute cat man. And then there are things they do that just make you grateful to them. Like this vacation. I'm not just touched, I'm grateful. I can't emphasize how much I needed this vacation.

You might think it weird that my brother is going with me. But it's not weird. It's actually nice. I want him to come. He's going through this phase where he wants to be independent and not be with his family members and just be rude. Well people are saying it's a phase. I don't really know what it is. I kinda raised this kid, and it pains me when he shuns me out like this. I understand the need for privacy and all but this is hurting me.

Maybe I'm being too sensitive. I have a right to love him though, don't I? I'm beginning to feel that he doesn't care about me - or anyone else for that matter. And that's what's killing me. There are some things that he's saying, some decisions he has made in his life that I'm not understanding. When I said I raised him, I actually meant it. My dad agrees. So what I'm feeling is, is maybe I didn't do a good job in raising him. Maybe I should've instilled values better in him. Should've taught him better. I'm beginning to feel like I failed my mom somewhere. I was the older sibling. He was the kid. I should've raised him better. Maybe I'm being too hard on him, on myself. I did do the best I could. I don't know.

This thing with him is making me postpone the decision of having kids -- getting married. I've only (in retrospect) put in 6 years in him. I'll be putting around 20 years in my kids. And then one day if they say they don't need me, rather don't want me, it'll hurt that much more, wouldn't it? But when I see it from his perspective, I sorta see where he's coming from. It's HIS life. He should spend it whatever way HE feels is right, without any consideration whatsoever to the surroundings, including ppl. Sounds selfish? Maybe. But think about it: your life, your way. Uplifting, no?

So this is what I'm doing these days. My life, my way. Well to the best of my ability anyway. I'm still caring for my dad and brothers on a day to day basis, but in the long run, I think I'll make my own decisions. Marriage when there's time for it - according to me. Further education if I feel like it. Job... maybe. I still want to be a useful member of the community and also want to put my $30,000+ education to good use, but that is my thinking, and doesn't come under "outer influence".

I think I'm being incoherent now. Not a bad thing though, cuz I think I've let out my major thinking points. Going to see more houses tomorrow. So I'll sign off for now. Wish to be back soon. Yeah I can blog from my iPod, but typing is annoying there. So I just stay away. But you never know!