Setting Things Straight

The purpose of this blog is to offer me a platform to release my frustration with life and everything it encompasses. My catharsis. Something is bothering me these days, and I haven't quite figured out what yet. I can think of a few things, and I'll just elaborate on those. I hope my answer lies in the untangling of these tangled threads of thoughts.

A few years ago, after my mom's death, everything reminded me of her. If I were pleased I would miss her and cry, if I were upset I'd miss her and cry. I cried a lot. Then slowly that phase started becoming stable. I'd cry and miss her only on major things, according to my standards. Then a time came where I stopped missing her when things went wrong. I wasn't consciously missing her, it was all subconscious. It stopped subconsciously too. I'd look for a solution to my problem instead of crying that she's not there to figure it out for me. I would miss her when her thoughts came to me. That seemed natural. Her firstborn just got married. My oldest brother. I didn't miss her at all. Even now I'm not missing her. It's like, yeah I had a mom, she was nice, it was good to be her daughter, and that's it. I'm happy that I'm not sad at this joyous occasion, but I think I'm feeling guilty, somewhere inside. Should I be missing her? I look back, and I'm seeing a white door, and she's in there. But the door is closed and I know she's sleeping peacefully in there. I also know I can't take her with me. Our time together has ended. Now every time I look back, I see the closed door and that's all I see. An end.

With every end there is a new beginning of another chapter. Now that my brother is married, there are talks of getting me married. I don't think I'm ready for marriage now. I have a few relationships in my life - I'm a daughter, a sister, and a friend. I know how to carry these forward. I know my responsibilities and I know what people expect from me. Even in these relationships, the first two, there are fragile moments. These are my blood relatives, and even with them sometimes anger gets the best of people. They say things that shatter my soul. I know it's not intentional, but it hurts despite of that. My point is, I've lived my life with them, they know me since birth, they've seen me grow up, yet when things don't go according to their criteria, and I try to offer my perspective, I end up losing my sincerity with them. Imagine a husband. I'll leave my world behind for him, build a relationship from scratch, and then one day, in anger or frustration, he too can say that I'm not sincere with him. Then what? Pride is the biggest asset a human has. Take that away and you've injured that person for life. Now I feel that it's not that I'm not ready to be a wife. I think I'm not willing to be a wife, in the sense of the term that our culture has given it.

So what am I willing to do? Well, I'm qualified enough to hold a job now. I've always wanted to be in the field of Psychology. I'm passionate about helping people. I'm amazed at the changes caused by a secure therapeutic alliance. I should start working on my resume. I also want to re-discover myself. I was looking at some of my old diaries and I remembered the times when I had written those entries. I was such a different person then. I'm comfortable with my current self also, but I need to get in touch with the aspects I seem to have lost. I also want to learn more about religion. I have my questions, my doubts, my issues. I've tried asking people, but the first thing they say when they don't seem to have an answer for me is to repent. I'm all for repenting when I've sinned, but why repent at your curiosity? The unexamined life is not worth living (Socrates), and religion is a way of life. When God Himself has made it obligatory upon me to learn my religion, then who are people to stop me from it? I need to find a reliable source. I think this should last me for the next few years. And after my second brother gets married and there are two women in the house, besides me, I want to get my training as a Psychologist. That was the dream after all. I hope I can achieve it.

Highlights of the Wedding

It would've made more sense if I did this post after the Walima, but I'm bored now, so I'm doing it now. My last exam was on the 18th of last month, and the wedding was 20 days later, on the 9th of August. So from the 19th til the 9th, we were crazy busy. There were some things that particularly stood out for me. Just some memorable events and things that are making me laugh these days. Thought I'd spread the joy around:

• Baji! - The jeweler was a Pakistani uncle who undoubtedly was my dad's age, and he kept calling me baji. Even if he wasn't my dad's age (although he was), he was still clearly older than I am. My aunt was with me, who was calling me 'beta' when she was talking to me, and he wasn't calling her baji. The genius was calling me baji. It pissed me off then, but it makes me smile now.
• Hidden Racism - We went on a mehndi search, and landed at this Indian shop. So I'm checking out the cones there and my brother was reading the many boxes they had at the counter. On one of them, it said, "Kaalon se hoshiyaar rehiye" (beware of a certain group of ppl). The lady at the counter should've been offended. She was from India and she was dark-skinned! As soon as he read it, I turned to him, and asked him to repeat what he had said. He did. I couldn't believe what I had heard. I made him repeat it again -- same thing. So I went to him. I wanted to see it for myself. How could such a thing get exported?! When I finally got to it, it said "Naqqalon se hoshiyaar rehiye" (beware of imitators).
  
• Language fail - Technically we are Punjabis but we can't speak the language. When we do, the Punjabi speakers start speaking Urdu, just to shut us up. But we understand it for the most part. When we went to get the Mithaayee to take with the baraat, the shopkeeper was some Sikh person. So here we are, telling her in English what we want. We wanted mixed sweets. She packed all Gulaab Jaamun. Then again, we tell her we want mixed sweets, she takes out the Gulaab Jaamun and packs all Barfis. So yet again, in Urdu this time, we asked her to please give us mixed sweets, and she calls her husband from inside. He did the same thing, with Ras Gullas and Barfis! Now we were pissed, confused and amused at the same time. We were running out of time and these ppl had no idea what we wanted and this was after we had told them this a couple days before. Then bhaiyya being the guy he is, started speaking Punjabi. If I wasn't so astonished, I would've laughed the roof off. Finally the now three ppl at the counter understood what we wanted, and we got our mixed Mithaayee.
• Nands are gay - Someone posted a song translation of some tamil song and it sounds like they're saying "nuns are gay". So at like... 3 AM on the night before the wedding, I was sitting down with my brothers, talking about my friends' reaction to me being my best friend's nand, and how this is kinda offending me because they're attributing the negative stereotyoes to me, my brother remembered the song "nuns are gay". He thought I would've heard of it, but I hadn't. So he was talking about it as if I knew the song, and I misheard "nuns" as "nands". So I just looked at him, and I was like, "I'm not gay, man". And then, please keep in mind this was at 3 AM after 20 days of nonstop work and I was exhausted, both mentally and physically, I looked at my brothers and said, "At least I think I'm not". You can imagine the rest.
• Pwned - My youngest brother is awesome! After he had his food and dessert, he took off his tux, took off his shoes, put his headphones on, put his legs on the chair, and started listening to songs, while we were still in the hall!

• Wedding aftershocks - It's all fun and nice to go to the parlour and get your hair done. But when it comes time to undone what's been done, it's not so fun and nice. Let's just say that someone had a huge amount of backcombing done and when she tried to get her hair to come to its natural state, she looked like a troll doll. It was fun to laugh so hard.
  

At the end though, we have a new member of our family and we're all very grateful to Allah s.w.t.

A New Beginning

I once read somewhere that it's happiness that we need to share; sorrow can take care of itself. I've always shared my grief with you, but today is different. Today I'll talk about one of the happiest times in my life -- these current days. I'm happy. I'm very happy. Although I've been working nonstop since Feb., I'm not tired. I was; but not anymore. I don't know what it is about happiness that fills us with energy, but I'm not curious. I'm liking its effect, and that's what matters. I'm happy because, well, first of all, my brother is getting married. Him and his fiancee are both happy. I'm happy because he's happy. He deserves every happiness in the world. He is one of the most amazing people I know. His fiancee also happens to be my best friend, someone I just adore. They both deserved the best and that's what I believe they're getting. Somewhere inside, I believe my faith is being restored too by this divine justice. Good people getting good things. Secondly, I'm done! I have my Bachelors man. I did it, against all odds. I thought my gpa would slip down and I would be kicked out of the program. It's tough to maintain your gpa while raising your family! Third, the weather... oh my God the weather. It rains at night and wind blows during the day. Just perfect.

My mood usually has its ups and downs, but I haven't felt an up like this for a very long time. Though I'm scared that if the up is this great then its counterpart might be that much tougher, but I'm still happy. Maybe this is a fresh start for a wonderful life ahead, with maybe no more downs. I don't know, but boy do I hope so. I'm loving this... change. I wish myself a life with lots of love, happiness and content. I wish to stay strong while praying life up ahead is easier. It's nice to be happy. Very pleasant. I'll worry about Ramadan and November when they come. For now, I'm good to go. =)

The Little One

When I was born after my two older brothers, everyone advised my parents that they should have another daughter. "You should have at least two daughters", they'd say, or "She'd get lonely playing by herself. She should have another sister". But then the youngest one was born... a boy. I was around 5 then. I remember being told by everyone that I was having a sister. I don't know why they just assumed that this one would be a girl. Anyway, so I was all happy and excited and I was thinking of taking revenge on my brothers for not including me in their games. In their defense though, they didn't include me in their games because I was a girl, but because I was the worst player you could possibly find. I was overly fragile, extra sensitive and hated to lose. Anyway, on the 27th of December, mom and dad were in the hospital, and I remember being told that I have a baby brother. "Another one?!" I was very disappointed. But we went to see the little thing anyway. I wanted to see my mom and be angry with her. She had promised me a sister! The whole ride from our home to the hospital, I was so mad. So we went, and her and the newborn were still in the ward. I went to my mom and there was this itsy bitsy little thing lying next to her, wearing this parrot green wool knit sweater. His eyes were open and he was gorgeous. Mom smiled at me but I didn't notice. I was busy looking into those precious hazel eyes, which were wide with amazement, and I rememer thinking, I'll take care of him for as long as I shall live. It was love at first sight then. I totally forgot the fact that he was supposed to be a girl and that now I'll have three brothers who'd tease me and all the things that had run through my mind during the 20 minute ride to the hospital. All I thought after seeing him was that he was born to be loved and I would give him all the love I have.

He was 11 when our mom passed away. I wasn't old either, by any stretch of the term, but I was still older than him. Nothing, not even the death of my mom, hurt me more than seeing him cry because he had lost his mom. I just wanted to place him in my heart forever and guard him from all of life's nasty surprises. I sometimes feel that I've developed a mom-ly place in my heart for him. When he smiles, my heart feels like dancing. When he laughs, I just want to fill the world with colour. When he's sad I want to cry out his pain through my eyes. Everything I own, that I find to be worthy, I have his share in it. If I think anything has the potential of making him happy, I'll make sure he gets a taste of it. When I buy chocolates, when I get something cool, when I cook something that tastes great, I can't digest it without having shared it with him first. When I listen to a good song, or a poem, or a joke, or a clip, I have to share it with him. So he can be happy. When I come home and see him, my fatigue seems to melt. I sometimes want to spend all the money on him... buying him anything and everything he wants. When it comes to him being happy, nothing else matters.

The part I find to be the most fulfilling and rewarding in this whole situation is, he feels the same way. We're best friends. I'm the one he comes to when he wants something solved. I'm the one he comes to when he wants to share a happy/sad news. I'm the one he talks to when he wants something. We're close. We do fun stuff together too. I remember a couple of weeks ago, I was bored out of my mind. It was around 1:30 AM. So I went to his room and he was bored too. You know what we did? We learned (via youtube) how to knot ties! Well, he learned how to knot ties, I just learned how to strangle myself.

He's a very well-mannered kid. He's smart, funny and very handsome. He's like a prince -- he's so graceful. When you talk to him, you just can't help but feel pride. He's a fellow human, and you're a human, and you feel proud of being a human then. I don't know if this makes sense to you. It does to me. I know my parents are the rightful owner of all the compliments the kid gets, but I feel that somewhere along the line, I made a little contribution to his personality.

I love my older brothers too. It's just.. they're brothers first and then... acquaintances. The youngest one is a friend first, then this being that I want to give the world to. And he's my brother. If as a sister I love him this much, I don't know how much love mothers have in their hearts for their children. I can't even imagine.

This is how I'd sum up my relationship with the youngest one, probably the only person I know that I wouldn't have to think twice before sacrificing my own life for:
"It snowed last year too: I made a snowman and my brother knocked it down and I knocked my brother down and then we had tea". ~Dylan Thomas

FINALLY!

This... will be one of those rare (so far) posts which would be said in a positive mood. Reason being, I'm ecstatic right now. I've already applied for graduation, the convocation is in October. I just completed my last exam of my last course last night. ON A SATURDAY NIGHT! Exam was scheduled from 7 - 10 PM. I was done around 9. My best friend (who's also about to be my sister-in-law inshaAllah) came to pick me up. We went to Demetres from there. My brother paid for our food! Then she gave me this nice bouquet of 12 beautiful red roses. I was so happy that I just held them throughout the whole ride.

Then we went for a long drive. Man it was so nice! The weather matched my expectation so well. A little ahead of the main city, where there weren't as many lights and stuff, we could actually see the stars on the sky! I've been here for 9 years, and I've never seen stars! So that was just... wow. It was in many ways the perfect night. I was with my best friend, going on a long drive, relieved from the shackles of university, with a French Vanilla in my hand. What else?! I'm al-Hamdulillah very happy and I'm very happy to be so happy.

The flowers are in my vase on my dressing table right now!

Perfect Life

I have a friend. She's my best friend. I love her dearly. She's one of the best things in my life. I feel she can read my thoughts and interpret them for me as well. I can never thank God enough for her. In the many years that we've been friends, I don't remember us fighting over anything. And it's not that her and I have the same interests in everything we talk about. We have our independent, unique personalities, but when it comes to our opinions, we leave it at that - this is what you believe and this is what I think. We give each other the room to be ourselves. I was imagining how wonderful my life will be if I spent it with her, and vice versa. We could move out of this city, move up North somewhere. Live together. Rent an apartment or something. We're at the point where we can support at least ourselves, financially, and quite comfortably. We'd buy a car. When we'd come home from work, who ever wants to cook will cook. If neither of us wants to cook we can order take-out. If both of us want to cook we'll freeze the leftovers. Same goes for everything else - chore wise. On weekends, we'd go wherever we want. Stay out as long as we'd want to. Since we're each others' best friends, we love to spend time with each other. We happen to have the same circle of friends, for the most part. The ones that are not mutual, we love to meet them too. I'd love to meet her friends, and vice versa. All in all, I imagine an aweosme life if we were to live together and spend it with each other. I'm not implying homosexuality in any way. I'm not interested in her, or any other female, that way. I'm talking about a deeper-than-physical relationship. I'm talking about the love that springs from the heart and takes over the soul. It's not sexual needs whose fulfilment fill the heart with content - it's emotional needs. If it were only physical needs, then anyone who can afford to hire male or female hookers would be satisfied -- in every sense of the term. Anyway, if I could live with her, it'd be a good life. That, I can guarantee. We'd never hurt each other, because we care for each other. I'd never ask her to do something which I know she wouldn't want to do, and vice versa. We can travel together, live together, laugh together. Just her and I, finding our niche in the world.

If this is the kind of love that people write love songs for, and if this is what it feels to be in love, then I sincerely pray I find that in my life partner. That everyone finds in their life partners.

Hurts When Moms Die

At least they got a chance to say Goodbye. My Goodbye was her telling me to make tea, and we'd have it when she'd get back.

She never did.

Natural Affiliation

I LOVE nature. I feel pangs of longing when I see pictures of rain, gardens, beaches, waterfalls, fields -- anything that has to do with nature. One of my BIGGEST desires is to see the world - to travel across the globe and see it. I'm here, aren't I? I'll be here only for the next few decades - might as well enjoy 'em. I'm fascinated with Amsterdam these days. I would love to visit it some time soon.

Look at the picture above. Wouldn't you want to be in it?!

Nostalgia

There's this 'biophilia model', which asserts that "human identity, personal fulfillment, and a coherent existence depend on our relationship to nature". I think I fit this model perfectly well. I have this longing to be near nature, as close to it as possible. When I saw 'twilight', I was filled with an aching pain to be at those mountains, to touch those beautiful tall trees. Here's a list of things that I'm dying to do:

- Fly to places.. travel the world. I LOVE to fly.
- Going on nature walks.
- Camping in the woods.
- Reading something wonderful at a scenic site.

This is it for now. I once heard somewhere when you write down your wishes, nature sees that they get fulfilled. So that's my hope for this entry.