A New Beginning

I once read somewhere that it's happiness that we need to share; sorrow can take care of itself. I've always shared my grief with you, but today is different. Today I'll talk about one of the happiest times in my life -- these current days. I'm happy. I'm very happy. Although I've been working nonstop since Feb., I'm not tired. I was; but not anymore. I don't know what it is about happiness that fills us with energy, but I'm not curious. I'm liking its effect, and that's what matters. I'm happy because, well, first of all, my brother is getting married. Him and his fiancee are both happy. I'm happy because he's happy. He deserves every happiness in the world. He is one of the most amazing people I know. His fiancee also happens to be my best friend, someone I just adore. They both deserved the best and that's what I believe they're getting. Somewhere inside, I believe my faith is being restored too by this divine justice. Good people getting good things. Secondly, I'm done! I have my Bachelors man. I did it, against all odds. I thought my gpa would slip down and I would be kicked out of the program. It's tough to maintain your gpa while raising your family! Third, the weather... oh my God the weather. It rains at night and wind blows during the day. Just perfect.

My mood usually has its ups and downs, but I haven't felt an up like this for a very long time. Though I'm scared that if the up is this great then its counterpart might be that much tougher, but I'm still happy. Maybe this is a fresh start for a wonderful life ahead, with maybe no more downs. I don't know, but boy do I hope so. I'm loving this... change. I wish myself a life with lots of love, happiness and content. I wish to stay strong while praying life up ahead is easier. It's nice to be happy. Very pleasant. I'll worry about Ramadan and November when they come. For now, I'm good to go. =)

The Little One

When I was born after my two older brothers, everyone advised my parents that they should have another daughter. "You should have at least two daughters", they'd say, or "She'd get lonely playing by herself. She should have another sister". But then the youngest one was born... a boy. I was around 5 then. I remember being told by everyone that I was having a sister. I don't know why they just assumed that this one would be a girl. Anyway, so I was all happy and excited and I was thinking of taking revenge on my brothers for not including me in their games. In their defense though, they didn't include me in their games because I was a girl, but because I was the worst player you could possibly find. I was overly fragile, extra sensitive and hated to lose. Anyway, on the 27th of December, mom and dad were in the hospital, and I remember being told that I have a baby brother. "Another one?!" I was very disappointed. But we went to see the little thing anyway. I wanted to see my mom and be angry with her. She had promised me a sister! The whole ride from our home to the hospital, I was so mad. So we went, and her and the newborn were still in the ward. I went to my mom and there was this itsy bitsy little thing lying next to her, wearing this parrot green wool knit sweater. His eyes were open and he was gorgeous. Mom smiled at me but I didn't notice. I was busy looking into those precious hazel eyes, which were wide with amazement, and I rememer thinking, I'll take care of him for as long as I shall live. It was love at first sight then. I totally forgot the fact that he was supposed to be a girl and that now I'll have three brothers who'd tease me and all the things that had run through my mind during the 20 minute ride to the hospital. All I thought after seeing him was that he was born to be loved and I would give him all the love I have.

He was 11 when our mom passed away. I wasn't old either, by any stretch of the term, but I was still older than him. Nothing, not even the death of my mom, hurt me more than seeing him cry because he had lost his mom. I just wanted to place him in my heart forever and guard him from all of life's nasty surprises. I sometimes feel that I've developed a mom-ly place in my heart for him. When he smiles, my heart feels like dancing. When he laughs, I just want to fill the world with colour. When he's sad I want to cry out his pain through my eyes. Everything I own, that I find to be worthy, I have his share in it. If I think anything has the potential of making him happy, I'll make sure he gets a taste of it. When I buy chocolates, when I get something cool, when I cook something that tastes great, I can't digest it without having shared it with him first. When I listen to a good song, or a poem, or a joke, or a clip, I have to share it with him. So he can be happy. When I come home and see him, my fatigue seems to melt. I sometimes want to spend all the money on him... buying him anything and everything he wants. When it comes to him being happy, nothing else matters.

The part I find to be the most fulfilling and rewarding in this whole situation is, he feels the same way. We're best friends. I'm the one he comes to when he wants something solved. I'm the one he comes to when he wants to share a happy/sad news. I'm the one he talks to when he wants something. We're close. We do fun stuff together too. I remember a couple of weeks ago, I was bored out of my mind. It was around 1:30 AM. So I went to his room and he was bored too. You know what we did? We learned (via youtube) how to knot ties! Well, he learned how to knot ties, I just learned how to strangle myself.

He's a very well-mannered kid. He's smart, funny and very handsome. He's like a prince -- he's so graceful. When you talk to him, you just can't help but feel pride. He's a fellow human, and you're a human, and you feel proud of being a human then. I don't know if this makes sense to you. It does to me. I know my parents are the rightful owner of all the compliments the kid gets, but I feel that somewhere along the line, I made a little contribution to his personality.

I love my older brothers too. It's just.. they're brothers first and then... acquaintances. The youngest one is a friend first, then this being that I want to give the world to. And he's my brother. If as a sister I love him this much, I don't know how much love mothers have in their hearts for their children. I can't even imagine.

This is how I'd sum up my relationship with the youngest one, probably the only person I know that I wouldn't have to think twice before sacrificing my own life for:
"It snowed last year too: I made a snowman and my brother knocked it down and I knocked my brother down and then we had tea". ~Dylan Thomas

FINALLY!

This... will be one of those rare (so far) posts which would be said in a positive mood. Reason being, I'm ecstatic right now. I've already applied for graduation, the convocation is in October. I just completed my last exam of my last course last night. ON A SATURDAY NIGHT! Exam was scheduled from 7 - 10 PM. I was done around 9. My best friend (who's also about to be my sister-in-law inshaAllah) came to pick me up. We went to Demetres from there. My brother paid for our food! Then she gave me this nice bouquet of 12 beautiful red roses. I was so happy that I just held them throughout the whole ride.

Then we went for a long drive. Man it was so nice! The weather matched my expectation so well. A little ahead of the main city, where there weren't as many lights and stuff, we could actually see the stars on the sky! I've been here for 9 years, and I've never seen stars! So that was just... wow. It was in many ways the perfect night. I was with my best friend, going on a long drive, relieved from the shackles of university, with a French Vanilla in my hand. What else?! I'm al-Hamdulillah very happy and I'm very happy to be so happy.

The flowers are in my vase on my dressing table right now!

Perfect Life

I have a friend. She's my best friend. I love her dearly. She's one of the best things in my life. I feel she can read my thoughts and interpret them for me as well. I can never thank God enough for her. In the many years that we've been friends, I don't remember us fighting over anything. And it's not that her and I have the same interests in everything we talk about. We have our independent, unique personalities, but when it comes to our opinions, we leave it at that - this is what you believe and this is what I think. We give each other the room to be ourselves. I was imagining how wonderful my life will be if I spent it with her, and vice versa. We could move out of this city, move up North somewhere. Live together. Rent an apartment or something. We're at the point where we can support at least ourselves, financially, and quite comfortably. We'd buy a car. When we'd come home from work, who ever wants to cook will cook. If neither of us wants to cook we can order take-out. If both of us want to cook we'll freeze the leftovers. Same goes for everything else - chore wise. On weekends, we'd go wherever we want. Stay out as long as we'd want to. Since we're each others' best friends, we love to spend time with each other. We happen to have the same circle of friends, for the most part. The ones that are not mutual, we love to meet them too. I'd love to meet her friends, and vice versa. All in all, I imagine an aweosme life if we were to live together and spend it with each other. I'm not implying homosexuality in any way. I'm not interested in her, or any other female, that way. I'm talking about a deeper-than-physical relationship. I'm talking about the love that springs from the heart and takes over the soul. It's not sexual needs whose fulfilment fill the heart with content - it's emotional needs. If it were only physical needs, then anyone who can afford to hire male or female hookers would be satisfied -- in every sense of the term. Anyway, if I could live with her, it'd be a good life. That, I can guarantee. We'd never hurt each other, because we care for each other. I'd never ask her to do something which I know she wouldn't want to do, and vice versa. We can travel together, live together, laugh together. Just her and I, finding our niche in the world.

If this is the kind of love that people write love songs for, and if this is what it feels to be in love, then I sincerely pray I find that in my life partner. That everyone finds in their life partners.

Hurts When Moms Die

At least they got a chance to say Goodbye. My Goodbye was her telling me to make tea, and we'd have it when she'd get back.

She never did.

Natural Affiliation

I LOVE nature. I feel pangs of longing when I see pictures of rain, gardens, beaches, waterfalls, fields -- anything that has to do with nature. One of my BIGGEST desires is to see the world - to travel across the globe and see it. I'm here, aren't I? I'll be here only for the next few decades - might as well enjoy 'em. I'm fascinated with Amsterdam these days. I would love to visit it some time soon.

Look at the picture above. Wouldn't you want to be in it?!

Nostalgia

There's this 'biophilia model', which asserts that "human identity, personal fulfillment, and a coherent existence depend on our relationship to nature". I think I fit this model perfectly well. I have this longing to be near nature, as close to it as possible. When I saw 'twilight', I was filled with an aching pain to be at those mountains, to touch those beautiful tall trees. Here's a list of things that I'm dying to do:

- Fly to places.. travel the world. I LOVE to fly.
- Going on nature walks.
- Camping in the woods.
- Reading something wonderful at a scenic site.

This is it for now. I once heard somewhere when you write down your wishes, nature sees that they get fulfilled. So that's my hope for this entry.

Pain

I'm taking this course called Death and Dying these days. I thought of enrolling into it because I wanted to get some answers. The psychology of death, the psyche of the person at deathbed, the mental state of the relatives and friends of the dying person, their condition once they become bereaved. I wanted to get real life examples of people who have lost. Fortunately my closest friends have both their parents up and living so they aren't much help when I'm down in the dumps of grief. So I took this course so I could understand...myself.

This week the lecture was on Grief and Trauma. I learned so much. You know when the world around you expects something out of you and when you don't deliver, you're somehow viewed abnormal. You yourself start doubting yourself. I remember that almost one year after my mom's death, I asked a friend of mine to come over so we could spend some time together. She asked "Why?". I said I was feeling down. Maybe she can tell her family when asking for permission to come over that I was missing my mom and she was coming over so I can get my mind off of it. She laughed and said, "Get real! It's been a year since your mom passed away. My brother's aren't gonna buy that reason!".

There's this notion that time heals --- Well, it doesn't. It changes things, sure. You learn to handle that heart wrenching pain. But it doesn't heal. The lasting period for grieving lessens, sure, but it always comes back. Pain of death persists.

I've been missing my mom a lot these days. The house is all of a sudden beginning to seem empty...lonely. I all of a sudden have started to feel empty...lonely. It seems wherever I turn, whatever I do, wherever I go, there are reminders that I've lost something so precious. I haven't felt this way in a long time, but I'm certainly not a stranger to these pangs.

I guess at the end, you can drown yourself in work - school, work, chores; you can try to turn your attentions to fun things; you can engage in meticulous thoughts... but the pain won't go away. At one point or another, you'll have to deal with it. Make it so you acknowledge it, understand it, and realize it'll be there. Time's job is to provide you with the platform where you will find ways to live with it.

Yet Again

The last day of the year! Last day of hope for something miraculous for this year. Hope's kinda dead now actually. Every year, we make promises to ourselves to somehow make the new year fantastic, to do something phenomenal, to allow ourselves to hope... and then just like that, December comes, and we just sit there, bedazzled, as to what happened. Maybe this is life.... when you start you have a lot of ambition but then when you're at the end of it, you realize that it was a hoax. You get illusioned into thinking you can do something, when ultimately it's fate that does things for you. You just have to take them in, whether you want to or not.

End of the year is usually hard for me. My mom's death anniversary in November really takes it out of me. Even before that, her death anniversary according to the lunar calendar, falls on the 16th of Ramadan. She dies all over again during the gap from the lunar to the Gregorian calendar... I die with her in those days too. Then the fall semester, the exam crunch. Plus the responsibilities that come from being the only female in a house full of men. They wear me down greatly.

And then the new year comes, brings with it the sense of a new start. So we dare to wish, to dream. It takes a lot of courage to want to get somewhere. But the tricky interplay of fate and human effort gets difficult to understand sometimes. Some things you end up having, some things you lose. It's quite sad to only have your footprints to show for a long and tiresome journey.

What did I do in 2008? I volunteered at a women's shelter. I managed to get enrolled into an awesome honours thesis course. Got my license. Wanted to get a girl for my brother (arranged marriage), and I'm relieved to say that I think I've found one. Studies have come to a halt, thanks to the strike, though the house is running smoothly. But now the problem is, I think I'm done. Fatigue and depression have intertwined themselves quite messily.

In order to wish for something, to have the desire to go somewhere, you need a fresh mind. I'm at the point where I want to die. Not because of a sense of despair, but because I want to stop. I need to stop. Get a few things out of my system. Just... be with myself. And then start all over again with a new ambition, with new courage. Finish my degree. Get into grad. school, become a grief counselor.

But I can't dare start thinking about the pending work. I feel I haven't accomplished anything. I feel that I've done nothing important or worthwhile for which I should expect a reward from God. But I want a reward from God. I want inner peace and happiness. This is what my previous entry was about, that how do you know that you should be getting something or that you should even wish for something? It hurts more when you pray for something and don't get it than when you simply don't get it.

Anyway, happy new year. I hope your wishes come true. I hope your good dreams turn into reality. I hope you are successful in your endeavours. I hope you get inner peace. I hope you're happy. I wish you get love, respect, trust, and security from the person who means the most to you. I hope you get cured of any ailments you may have; bodily, mental, or otherwise. I hope you find that right person for you and they return your feelings. I hope God stays kind to you and shower you in His endless bounties and mercies. May you be forgiven for your sins, and may you come out successful from the tests that you might be going through right now. I hope life becomes easy and enjoyable for you. I hope God accepts these humble prayers and whatever else that your heart desires. I hope the same for myself. Ameen.